Starfield

She is dancing in the ether

Shining crystals in her hair 

Moonlight filters through a flowerless goodbye

One we do not have to speak yet

The glow of her being is like pennies

Dazzling in the half-light 

Warming in my hands

Flakes of wonder and imagination

Deposits of hope and magical silence 

Falling through our bodies

Onto our grounded, bare feet

We gather ourselves together

The weight of being not quite as burdensome, unbearable 

As it once was 

We are no longer stranded on an edge of town motel 

But are fully fitted inside our home

Learning to fill its limits and gauge its possibilities 

Sometimes I panic 

The same phrases hurtling through my mind

What if I make a mistake

What if I am not doing things right

She just smiles, her ever patient smile 

And reassures me with those deep blue eyes

As if to say - you are living your best life

That is all that matters

With this knowing a tremendous weight 

Is lifted from my shoulders

And for a moment my feet feel the ground

Steady as a welcome visitor 

And my dreams swirl around

Up there, with her

In our own magical starfield

An empire of both masterpieces and little play’s

A place where we do not have to hide 

Or suffer under disguise

A place where we can truly shine. 

For Shay’s Word Garden

 

Sparkle

I find magic in your eyes

They sparkle like blue gems

I look into your face 

It is open, like a present

And gives me twice as much joy

I am glad we have each other

What a journey it has been 

What a journey that has yet to be imagined

And written down

I walk before sunrise 

See the moon and stars

All as special as smiles

I come home, take off my shoes

And breathe deeply

This is me right now 

No time for dwelling on losses

Or looking back

I listen to the birds waking up

As dawn approaches 

Watch the clouds tumble along

I no longer shake, or chew 

Or stay curled up in a ball

I have made so many changes this year

In my dreams 

I am chased and running

I am not sleeping well

But the twilight hours are mine

And my dreams are not real

Though they often leave me scared

I rise above them 

Write them down 

And move on to brighter thoughts

If I look carefully enough

The world is full of sparkles and glows

And I treasure the gifts that I have 

And the ones that are still be collected. 

Jubilation

Guess what? She asks

Her voice is like diamonds

Sprinkled in my ears

I can see she is fit to burst

What, Little Cricket I ask in return

We are on the next step of rehab she says

The one where the real world

Seems better than Wonderland

Most curious, she ponders out loud

I thought we would never leave

She fills her lungs

With a soulful breath

And for one tiny moment I wonder

If she would reconsider 

But her smile tells me she is happy 

To be outside of her adventure 

To be an envoy of Wonderland 

But safely away from its thralls 

I would like to think that 

I am no longer a bad example to her

That I am learning lessons

Growing and learning

Accidentally stumbling on the wonders of each day 

No longer in a hurry to fall down, or sleep 

Embracing each moment with an excitable spirit

Is that not the essence of recovery?

To want more, to realise what you have lost

And make amends, build back up again 

To not be sentimental about your disordered past 

And so we watch the sun rise on these widening days

Our triumphs are small but golden 

We hold them tight in our steady hands

Savour them in quiet jubilation. 

For Shay's Word Garden 

Priority

I remember the time 

It was an exact moment, like a point on a star

When I decided to put myself first

It was an awakening 

A shedding of dead skin 

A scare and a bump

I realised I had to protect myself from 

Those who hurt me

And the hurt I caused myself

As the next year approaches

My ground feels thicker

Almost solidified 

Like cement 

Perhaps in summer it will rain

And the wonderful smell of petrichor

Will fill my senses

And help keep me walking even further

With even more certainty and clarity

I wish I had built this path earlier 

But it is what I have now

What I have created for myself

I look forward to seeing spring flowers

And new buds on trees

Blue skies and rain-laden skies

The whole world opening up

Like a hatching egg

I will make lists, tick them off

Try to remember each day

I am glad my thinking changed

And I prioritised myself

It is an act of caring - both personal 

And for the beautiful souls

Who hold me in their hearts and minds. 

Forgetfulness

I do not want to forget you Little Cricket

Not even as the year moves forward 

I always want to feel

The weight of your hand in mine

Your fragility - like a new born chick

And your strength - like a sea worn stone

It is strange - the memories we hold on to

And the ones that we forget

Sometimes the mind is a treasure trove

Other times a gaping chasm

My memories may be dark

But today and the future 

Have hope and a growing light

Of that, I am thankful

It feels as if we have taken this journey -

This adventure, together

Tripping and falling

Sipping both tea and potions

Nibbling at cake

But somehow we always tumble back 

To the sunny riverside 

Drowsy and content

Like pollen-filled bees

I will hold you tight 

This winter

Embrace you as the sun rises

On the winter solstice

You are my guide

My faithful memory

A guardian of secrets and open-truths

A talisman to ward off the forgetfulness of age

And the secret treasure of the weightlessness of days.

Peppermint

We dream of peppermint clouds

Drifting slowly over the skies

Humming their own blues and joys

As the rain comes and goes 

I am feeling very musical today, declares Alice

We have just finished our tea with lemon 

I smile at her and let her sing

I would never bully her into silence

Like the cold claws of my past 

Where any noise was quelled 

But I did have the guts to scream

Just once, when my world fell down 

And I had the gift of jazz within me

A gift that no one recognised

Following patterns

Making up rhymes

Playing a tune on the saxophone 

Smiling, just like Alice, when it flowed

And coursed through my veins 

Tiny jewels of respite from the storm 

A rope of hair leading out of my tower

I could never have predicted that now 

I would be back here, with Alice 

And the sky, back where it all went wrong

Perhaps I will be well enough to move forward again one day

Perhaps the nest I have created can be moved to gentler shores 

As it is I am being

Recovering 

Learning to live 

Cooking up a storm she says

As if reading my thoughts

And so I lose myself in the peppermint clouds

Softly content and at peace with myself 

Taking in the magic of sound 

The magic of words

The magic of all the days to come. 

For Shay's Word Garden