Wanting

The fly bleeds
In my hand
Like the blackberry
Blood
Carbon Monoxide
Sweetness
Next to the Multi-Storey
Where the white butterfly
Reaches its final hour
And spider tumbles down down
I throw out the tape
That held me together
I am gone
Like the charts and graphs
Left in the bin
Redundant
As I leave
I want
I want
All that I can’t have
I am fat
Gorged on misery
Watch the candy she says
Like I am nothing
I cannot say
I eat the candy because
I am not allowed life
Sugar has to do
Filthy berries and fallen flies
They burnt their houses
Made the news
It wasn’t the house I burnt
I want
I want
All they turned to ashes
I am gorged on the sugar of false reality
Like nectar drowning breath
Where they are good
And I am bad bad
I want
I want
All that I can’t have
My forehead is bronze
My thoughts frozen silver
Beyond feeling
Beyond being

The same feather falls from the sky
Each night
I share the ground
With the blackbird
Bat
And angry clouds
And
I want
I want

Sleep
Dreams
You
Me

Home

You wrapped the tree in powder
Burnt the leaves
And everyone
And I
I am left wanting.

Fear Is Not In Silver

I catch time in my hands
It doesn’t disappear
Quickly enough
She scrolls
Through her family
I watch
Over
Her shoulder
They stole me
Mine
The picture of myself
So strong before
I shuffle through days
Hospital corridors
Benches
Walls
Cardboard piss bottles
Chipped off murals
The wasp lingers around
The bus
Stop
I turn my back on it
It does not go away
There is so much dead skin in the air
It floats
In anticipation of
Something
One more today
Two more tomorrows
Ants in the sky
Birds underfoot
The vicar asks if I am ok
As I sit
As if at peace
Waiting to be received
Maybe I go
Just for her to ask
You know
The silence
Is neither fearless
Or serene
It is a false rock
Stuck in my belly
Waiting to be spewed
There is no kind face
To look at
To look for
I barely see mine
Me
Any more
She draws bridges and paths
A stick figure in a skirt
I want to scream
Enough Enough
Shut up Shut up
You are tripping up time -
And I do not wear a fucking skirt
Instead I nod false boulders
That is the trick
The lie
They think it’s real
But a life with no magic
No silence
Is very far from real
It is a death held in dandelion arms
minutes seconds hours
Drifting away
Lost
Summer’s last hoorah
You fucking idiot.

I have tested you in the furnace of affliction
See, I have refined you, though not as silver

Silver waits inside me
All around me in blue.

Normal Service

Thank you to all who continue to visit my space and leave comments - which make a bad deal better..

I hope soon that I will be able to return comments and read your pieces..

soon soon

we hope

Thank you for sticking with me

J :)

Red Line

I have red lines
On the bottom of my shoes
As the police car
Passes by
I sit on the
Junk bench
I want it
And I don’t
Like pieces
In a kaleidoscope
Trying to make pretty
Something fierce
Keeps me safe
Something that cries
Enough
The lines
The car
The junk
The bench
The powder
The cause
Effect
Solution
The wasp lingers
Around my hand
Chasing the spilt sugar
I know the way out
Always have done
Soon Soon
Me and Alice
Will be chasing south
Like a runaway train
Smile as broad
As a solitary track
We hope We hope
Keep quiet
Shh
Do not spill the secret
Filter every word and movement
Before the bad people
The jumpers
Sabotage
Wreck
And spoil
One throws up in the corridor
One looks to check you’re looking
We will not miss
We will not miss
This

The rain washes
Away
The red lines
The car is chasing
Someone else
I am down the road
Far away from that
Never will we double back
Never will I double back
Skinny men holding bruised arms
Shitting up fear in filthy toilets
Wired up
Racing
It must be gone
Blown away
Like Dorothy Gale
Gusted back to black and white
To what is safe
To what is real.

Bad Candy

Bad catches in the back of the throat
Like candy
You can taste it in the air
You wanted someone to watch you
Jump
Had a plan
Like we all do
I watch the moon
Like a street lamp
Falling
Behind
The trees
And the fences
Always fences
Another sentence has been served
Off with her head shouts the Red Queen
We are all stories
Our messages distinct
In some ways the same
We sit behind the same fence
The one outside
The ones inside are very different
They -
The ones who watch but do not know
Throw words
Like stones
Rude
Sullen
Less
Than
You cannot show the bruise of fury
Or the stones will come harder
They have the right to touch us
From the outside
To write down who has shared our beds
But we are not real
Not even stories
Just bad
Sour
Candy
I watch the clock backwards
It is real
This world on the other side of the mirror
More rational than
Existence on this side
There is no kitten to follow through
The fence
To get out
To pass every relentless test
The tea burns my stomach
It is so empty
It churns
Like minutes turning over
Without reason

Bad catches in the back of the throat
Like candy
You can taste it in the air.

Dream Space

I dreamed of a space
Where I could spend
My years
Nestled
In the light of your arms
If only I could have persuaded you to stay
To hear the water
Pour on stone
To have a vision of
More
Than the shot
In the neck
On the toilet floor

I dreamed of a space
Where I could spend
My years
Not awake
Not sleeping
But nestled in your chest
Gently breathing in
Blue

I dreamed of a space
Where I held your heart
And said
Enough

I dreamed of a space
Where we could play
With stories
And words
Nestled in the hammock
Under the apple tree
We would spend our
Years there
Turning gently grey
Smiling
Hand in hand
Warm
Cheek against cheek

I dreamed of a space
Where reality came
To an end
At the bottom of a plastic bag

I am poured out like water
My heart turned to wax

We play a silent tribute
In the shade
Light the candle
Warm our hands
Our cheeks
Our hearts

I dream of a space
Where we will spend
Our endless years
Smiling
Together
Strong as all our bones
Melted into one.

Wishes

I kiss my wishes silently
Under the covers
As the bell rings again
False alarm
As usual
No sleep
Silently wishing
In the dark
As usual
For this to be over
Although every wasted day
Makes me sick
Like empty birthday cake
They hold me
Choke hold
Me
Laugh
Whisper
Whittle me down to
Nothing
Small as Alice
After taking a sip and a bite
There is no cherry bakewell
Or jam sponge
No sweet elixir
Just a poison
That turns distraught
Into an empty smile
We must regulate
We must renounce
Who we are
At the door
So that our absence becomes unnoticed
As habitual as the abuse
As the words that cannot be spoken in reply
How I wish I had swallowed them
All
How I wish I had run
Now I am deeply distressed
Agitated
I cannot move under the weight of what is
I must accept it plainly
Plainly as a burnt face
I must smile
At the soul exterminators
As they strip me down
I kiss my wishes silently
Under the covers
How I wish
How I wish

The lips of the righteous know what is fitting
I wipe my hands clean as I enter the special room
Ready to be received
Into the flames.

Path

The baby in the pram
Has concrete eyes
She stares ahead
Dead against
Her dirty face
Knowing
What is ahead
Like the old woman
Who wipes her rheumatic hands
As if to wash
Away the words
What is
What is not
They offer me lemonade
Whilst I am shopping
For soap
I smile
The circle illuminated
Stark as yellow
Piss
Powder
Dust
Pay attention
A solution of lye and water
Well. You know.
Like we all know
Our paths
Scattered
Like bread crumbs
Collected in misery
Round and round
The Ginger Bread House
Lost
But not desperate enough to enter
Not yet
Although I would happily
Lie in the furnace
To stop my head from pounding
To keep down the vomit of reality
I am not allowed to spew
If I show myself they will strike me
Down
Down
Down
She whistles and pretends not to hear me
I don’t shout the real words
The words that matter
I won’t waste them
They are set in concrete
Like baby eyes
And worn hands
Hitched up and ready to run in my worn out trousers
Ready
Ready
Ready

I paid attention
To the wet kiss
But it left me empty
Sat in the pram
Rubbing my hands
Wishing
Wishing
Wishing
For the greatest moment of my life.

Label

I hide the name label
On my drink
When I go out
Out
But not
You know
They have labelled everything
My past
My future
My self
Which is real
But not
Me photographed
Against the white wall
In case
I run
You know
As if the pattern
On my face
Needs duplication
A label
As if when they find me
(As they always do)
They will quibble
Is that her
That is in the pattern too
Grab me
Take me back to the place
Which drives me berserk
You know
I try to say through thick powder lips
That I would not run if I was not chased
Like rabbit down the hole
I take a copy of my duplicate face
Drowned out by the
White wall
White walled
I am not going home
You know
There is no place to run
Just this endless wait
For nothing
It took two weeks for the banana skin to turn black
Like dead skin waiting to be cut off
Skin is easy to remove
These labels are heavy as nothing
Unmoveable
I trace them back
To the blue plastic glove in the sink
The powder
Waiting in my slippers
Not ruby
But magic enough to take me home

How I wish that it wouldn’t have been
How I wish that it would have been

How brave you were to chase your fine line
To three last lines
How brave you were to say enough
How brave you were to love me

The rats scurry in the raspberry bush
Beside the Multi-Storey.

First Day

On the second day
The birds wept
And the world fell
My head
Was tethered to the clouds
By a thread of gravity
A sense of being
Stuck
In a world
In which
I cannot draw breath
My shoes squeak
Along the sodden path
In my hand is salt
I wait
For the moment
At which to throw it
Salt and water
That is the solution
The plans of each falling
Pigeon and Crow
Directionless and All
They show me
How to stay and
How to leave
Amidst the collapse
Of air and water
The salt stings my skin
As I sweat
Ready
Ready
Ready
(But not yet)
I must abide
By the shadows of each minute
Cast upon my shoulder like
Stone
Brick dust
Sick dust
Bad dust
I hoist my black trousers
Dry my feet on the grass
Ready
Ready
Ready
To run
(But not yet)


On the third day
The world was silent
And my breath
Boomed within my skull
The salt and water
Flushed my thoughts
And I was empty
I had no shadow and no form

It smelt like rain
Grass chewed up in blood
The excitement filled me
Like the song of a thousand birds
A thousand minutes free
From this cement
You set me in
And I smile
I am
Ready
Ready
Ready.

Back

The tea rests in the Styrofoam
Quietly brewing
Flavour into liquid
Liquid into taste
The air around the cup
Flaps the napkin
Like a white sheet
Like the white sheets
In the last place
On the bed
Which wasn't quite mine
My bed is dismantled
The red wrapped in black plastic bags
The steel frame
The good silver
Lined up
Ready to be stowed
Kept away from me
I trip over my shoes
I trip over my shoes
So tired
As this bed absorbs me
Devours me
Steals me
A light in the eye
Every hour
All hours
But I do not cry
Not now
Tears make the key slip
And if I cannot hold the key
I cannot get out
Alice whispers in my ear
Don't drink it
Don't eat it
She has hitched her blue dress up
Ready to run
Ready to scuff her little black shoes
I listen to her
So hard
When this bed changes into the next bed
And the next bed changes to a different poison soaking into my skin
We must be ready to run
We must
We must
Ah, but Alice has taught me
To run
Is to sit quietly and sip the tea
To keep in hand the nuts and bolts
Ready to re-build
That which is stolen
That which is lost
I smile
I am glad that Alice is back
When she is with me
The solution is right
A fresh cup of tea
Seasoned with dandelion dust
Blown on the breeze.

Slugger

She glugs the orange drink
Wide as the kitchen hatch
Tiny mouth
Absorbing sugar
Like life
Like sun
And breath
I can't see past her
Or any of them
Who block the air
Block life
The sun
No matter what level I climb to
There are fences
All around
Cameras
Men in fluorescent jackets
Look
Smile
Tip Away
In a take out tea mug
You fucking jackass
Two days
Two days
And all is ruptured
The broken egg
In pieces
Under the tree
Under which I sit
When it is dry
When the noise
Bursts my head
When I only want the concrete
To see what I feel
As if that matters any more
Everything is just splendid
The smile
Big as the sun
Like a sword in the back
Of my head
Like tea with Alice and Hatter
Like sleep in the red bed
But not
I turn in circles
Around the square
Layers
Of The Multi-Storey
Multi Story
What to do
There is nothing
To do
And all to do
And I must
Find the sugar
Like the wooden bee
And spread the light
On my bones
Until
Until
This dream is over
And I can see
Beyond the big girl
Beyond the hatch
Over the fences
Up the tree
And out
Out into breathing
Out into life.