Dereliction

I stand on top of the multi-storey
Multi Story
At home in my derelict mind
I have no apologies left
It is my fault
Always
All ways
No apologies
Can be written or posted
I smile at the woman I was as she passes me by
The arm explodes (again)
I can heal the skin
I cannot take out what is inside
Multi Story
I smile
Like a silver lining
In a box
About my size
Fuck up Fuck up
Always
All ways
There is no way to fix
What is stuck inside
What is not inside
The dereliction is so heavy
My head falls
Locked
Looking for an answer that does not exist
Run Jump
There is no third way
No safe way
To soothe the silver
No powder to medicate
The loss
I will never get home
I will never get home
Not to Alice
Or the red bed
Never
It is even lost inside my head
I stand on top of the multi-storey
Multi Story
The fences
They are meant to keep me safe
Funny I think
How they tip the scales
There is no end line
No last word
No letter
No mark
For the end that is coming
I cannot wrap it up
And tie it with balloons
What they have done to save me
Has killed me

I search the storeys
And the stories
And I feel nothing
Nothing
Lost in my derelict mind.

Dream Bones

I lie down but I do not dream
My dreams are in tatters
My life dust
The cloud bones
Hang like a knife in the blue sky
Ready to fall
To cut through the fences
The pretense of safe
Safe safe this is not safe
Cries Alice
At home in the red bed
The place I cannot think of
In case my heart stops
Stops stops I am stopped
Piggy's dream is to run a burger van
I smile as her fat fingers
Clutch the phone
All day every day
It is a fitting dream
Bully's dream is to be at the washing machine first
She stops the button
A smooth traverse from sofa to laundry room
Quick quick quicker
Thank she asks little girl to make her tea
All day every day
Little girl mother
Scuttles down the corridor in her pink plastic shoes
Always smiling
I wonder if her children do
I sigh
I do not understand
The rules within the rules
Our system within their system
In which I am stuck invisible unknown
I need Alice to solve the riddles
She is in the safe place unreachable
Where the good woman
Places the broken bird on the vicarage wall
And hopes that it will heal
My head is in knots
Too many butterflies fall from the sky
Land in my children's bed
Except I am not a child
It is the role assigned
To sieze power
To sieze me
Every cloud bone and broken bird
Crushes my spine
Crushes my soul
Squeezes my breath
And I wish
I wish
I wish they had left me for dead.

Milton Keynes Library

Dear All

Thank you so much for keeping reading and encouraging me - i am on my maiden voyage to MK library.

Not sure how often i will get here but wanted to wave hello and say thank you and thinking of you

j x

One Shot

You came to visit me in a strange land
Rooted around the good night tree
You rubbed my hips
They ache
From the tiny ball I sleep in
Curled up like a question mark
Dreading morning
When nothing comes
And stays
And stays
Once you handed me the gun
Said to pull the trigger
We were too old
You left
I am even older
Your stains on my face
My skin
But it was better then
Even though you left
I slept on my own floor curled up like a question mark
The floor I lie on
Is not mine
Not yours
It smells of so much loss
I wander in and out the dark room
Lost
You are in the dread dreams
That make my hips ache
Bones ache
A hapless apple knocking on my head

You came to visit me in a strange land
Rooted around the good night tree
You rubbed my hips
They ache
You hand me the gun
Once more
The cold steel brings you back
Your delinquent smile
And I want you
And I hate you

I pop the bullets
Line them in a row
Lie back under the good night tree
And wait for a better dream to come.

Stench

They gave me a dead TV
No picture
Like I am dead
Now
No picture
No end
I know I know
Every time the bile rises indignantly in the back of my throat
2 a.m. in the stinking room
Hot mesh trapped locked in
Spitting in a sink that holds no water
Like a plane sink
Overused on a long flight
Except this sink is static
No escape from the stench
Of the last girl
Of reality
I dream in sweat
My hair grey
My jacket cut up and lost
It hangs redundantly on the back of the stained chair
I need no jacket
I cannot go out
I am gone
Dead
Static
The sweetly manipulative girl eats
Always eats
Every tine of fork scraping
Teeth scrape gulp scrape gulp teeth scrape
Bulging mouth
A mess of food and spit
Open close open close
I am not hungry she whines
She is always hungry
As if food is her home
And the fork her ruby slippers
The bulk of her flab rattles all our plates
It is all I can bear to sit and swallow
The bilge and the bile
I keep my eyes down
Always down
Too foul to look up even for a second
This will never end
Like TV static
Over and over
Relentless
Painful
Chaos
Drowning sinking burning
The pictures in my head
The beauty of words
Falling down the filthy toilet
In the filthy room
In the filthy place
So very far from home.