Knock

We are locked in a cloak of dreams

Knock three times and we might let you in

The stars light up 

Like popsicles in treacle

We dance on candy bars

Dodge the corners of reality

Inside and out

The dull scrape of plaster board

Wears 

Me

Out

The orange is crawling in mould 

The chocolate is mixed with pepper 

Tick tock

Tick tock

The bugs laugh in the mirror

The jam is in the dead fox

The ceiling is in the potion pot

We dream behind a five bar gate

Where the bandages are damp

Down the hole

Over and out

The grief eats

Bare bones

Empty bones

Frozen shines in the night

A resolute promise

You have to get high

To avoid the storm

Inside we are done 

And dusted

She taps my dead arm

A jovial tune

I am locked in a cloak of dreams

Knock three times and I might let you in.

Passed

You smoked Mayfair’s

I hired a cake tin

Tried to bake it sweet

I will trip skip over the moon

Swallow the flowers whole

That sounds nice sighs Alice

As we ingest our scars alone

The bells got stuck

Like stray birds

Struggling to take flight

They lodged in our throat 

Like an old year 

Passing in the night

Sometimes there are spiders 

Buried in the bed

Wishing 

Wishing

Silent creeping 

Going to tea with the bugs

Laughs Alice 

A little pale

A little plain

All our colour gurgles down the drain

Something chimes inside

Day done

Gone the sun

Find the moon

And eat the stars

We lie on the floor

Expecting something holy to arrive

I hold her hand like the only truth

How far we have strayed

Beyond the spiders

Past the bells

As far beyond 

As an old year

Passing in the night.

Sleep

There is a blue star on your door 

Silver foil around the house

Nobody in

Nobody out

All invitations must be inviting

She gurgles and burps

Through cherry pop lips 

The ginger pig laughs to see such fun 

And the girl ran away with the spoon 

One hand gives me flowers

The other makes me burn

I’ve flown to you in a dream before

Valentine powder and rust

Our head is higher than Hatter

She squeals

Brighter

Light 

Alive

We really are quite brilliant 

Sinking in the dark

The jam spins a vortex in the sink

Fervent

Like our wishes

Sticky as our thoughts

Quick sticks

Catch Rabbit’s watch

The bells are trapped in the mist

Clink

Clank

Sink

We surely must fall down

There is a blue star on your door

Silver foil around the house

I would like to peel you open

And tender to legend

Sleep.

Stars

We are breaking up radio waves 

In the bathroom

They fall

Like stars

We catch them

Put them in our pocket

At seven we will eat chocolate with a spoon

It took us so long to join the dots

That now we are too tired to eat them

Tell me about it says Alice

Wiping sugar off her tongue

Her eyes drowsy and thick

My throat burns at the memory 

Of that powder

Mixed up like magic

Waiting to perform

A thousand years gone

A thousand still to come

They will pass as quickly as a penny dropping 

Alice whispers from on high

Down she falls like a snag

After rabbit

Joins me in that dream

The one where we are sniffing cocoa and powder 

Inside the white walls

Buried in light

Like it was a choice 

A kind of glass reform

Help me

Help me

She wails and mocks

I tell her not to talk

Panic sweat look laugh

She always brings me to the ground

The dragon turns tricks at the bus station 

He has a hat on

But is still a little scary

Yellowed and soft  

Crooked teeth waiting to bite

Take a slice

He confuses us

An eye lash waits on the tea pot

We coat it in sugar

Swallow it down

Please don’t leave us magic 

We are breaking up radio waves

In the bathroom 

They fall

Like stars

We catch them

Put them in our pocket.

Song

We will take a room in the house of beauty 

Nestle there safe and sound

A warm string of paper 

A blanket of words

Crash Bang

Who cares if the ceiling falls down

We are alive in a space and time

Which can never be flooded

We like it there

Quietly humming our own speed of light

They switched the milk

Turned it into wine 

And cake claps Alice

Wiping the powder off her nose

We are waiting waiting

To take the bags down

Once they have gone

And our pulse descends

Down the stairs 

Softly 

Softly

Into the cellar

The light glares brightly down there

Mean like her

Scowling and growling in the kitchen cupboard

Too hungry to eat

Too tired to sleep

Hush

Hush

Blow the candles out

We wish for a mist to slow ourselves down

A white bright room 

In a house safe and sound

Silver bangles clank in raincoat pockets

A chime

A voice

Falling petals 

Singing in the night

All will be right

All will be well.

Space

I was nothing more than a bag of sugar

A summer gift never rejoiced

The cat in the floor tiles smiles

Not all good things are born at Christmas time

The jam jars sit pretty on the shelf

Time to peel the labels off

Alice squeals and claps like a lunatic

Fingers sticky until twelve o'clock

In the winter came a bag of toys 

We would have traded them for love

Outside heavy births of rain

Like planets falling she giggles

We pull on the threads of angels

Untangle their wishes and dreams

Let’s hitch a ride and fly into space 

She wipes the jam off her lips

Hyper fix

The milk sits quietly in the fridge

I used eight percent

Our hair still smells like hospital sheets

Let's put our words on the table

Crash bang

The building falls down

The little girl sleeps underground

Fear makes the wolf look bigger 

Grandmother wrote on the wall

She smelt old whispers Alice

Liquorice and linen tucked in drawers forever and ever and ever

I will remember every moment of you 

You will not be lost

Even when time spreads thin

And spins like plates

On top of dwindling poles

A tower of fruit cake stands on the side 

Some kind of crafty endeavour

Ready steady tumble down

Tread carefully 

I say

Like rain

Like snow

Like a summer gift barely touched in the night .

Shrink

We put bin bags at the windows and bells upon the doors

It blocks out moon and star 

They will come back 

That's right I say and stroke her hair

She really is a clever girl

My twist of clover in the night

Are we keeping dark in or out

A little of both

I feel her shake and hold her tight

Sway in time with the song 

We drank shrank ourselves silly to blunt out light

There was a birthday party but it was like I wasn't there

Tea cake incendiary devices waiting to explode

You lost your shoes remember

The stairs hurt 

The hall was empty 

Daddy played with our friends

Real falls heavy

Heavier than the bandages cemented to my leg 

We slip under

A quiet lethargy in our singular vacuum of space and time

The sound of us being human

The sound of us being alive

We are surrounded by scaffold

But our heads are still on squeals Alice

Clapping her hands in triumph 

The bells fall heavy in the fog

Trying to reach our ears

It's ok

It's ok

I will turn your ribbons in the dark

We clutch them 

Hold them to our heart

Like time

And love

Mixed up in blood

The powder comes back

Of course it does

No stopping it 

Leaking in the windows

Clawing through the floor

We hunker bunker down 

I chose the candy coated pink 

High tea

Gobble swallow down

Slippety slip under

Full but empty inside.

Soft

It’s really quite a haze

Not as settled as a dream

Not as wild as up

Time passed like jelly underfoot

Raspberry strawberry and stars

Claps Alice

She is back

Skipping tripping words and hands

They put names on the board

Times to wait

Don’t worry we have plenty

She adjusts her apron

Straightens her socks

How long were you gone she asks

I don’t remember

I closed my eyes

Oh

So how did you find me

I always will

Traipse strain pull the chains

Mummy’s coming home

I sang her song through my head I whisper

You know

That one

Of course silly

She gave it to you

I was there

Remember

I don’t remember falling

I think I reached the back 

Of my head

Of the thoughts

It was dark

Like a cave

It scared me

She brushes my hand quickly

Like a candle flame

Warm like milk 

A filet of sustenance 

A brief exchange

You really were deranged 

Madder than hatter 

She chuckles

I smile

We can’t change who we are Alice

Only get better and better and bestest she squeals

I hold her close

In the blue seat beside me

Ours is a love that cannot be feigned

Warm as a red cape in the forest

Sweeter than candy on the path back

She rests her head on my shoulder and breathes slowly

We are awake

Settled in our dream

Two hearts wrapped softly

Home

Together

Swaddled in the red bed.

Whitewash

The paint wakes me up

Jubilant white

It is not soft and sweet like rabbit

It gets under my nose

Like something isn’t right

I kept her safe

In my pocket

My little blue butterfly

Waiting to soar

The constant hum in my pocket

Her wings

Trying

Trying

I sat on the pink box

It was so cold

In the paper clothes

Too real

For me

And Alice

Time scrambled and squashed in stained sheets

We came home

Bumpety bump

In the white van

The man who was dying

Smiled at me

Something about beautiful

And lots of time left

How terrible to gobble up

Waste

The very thing he desired

I swallowed

Sicker than after the powder

The sun sank bright orange

Bigger than a penny dropping

Quieter than a bomb

I have neglected everything I am

In pursuit of everything I am not

Curious whispers Alice

I am still here

Soft in your pocket

Waiting

Waiting

Vital as a compact mirror

For when you see yourself

I lie back

Let the paint settle and the pump hum

Wipe the dust from my hands

After the whitewash.

Home - then not

It is with great trust that I leave Alice with you all for safekeeping

j has left the asylum and is heading off to get her broken skin fixed...

It is with great hope that I will be back and dining on words and stars in two weeks time (gulp says Alice and j)...

Do please be tolerant...she can be a very wilful child...

With much thanks

J and Alice x

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They are painting the white walls
Pure as rabbit
Look sharp Alice
Mummy is home

You already have what you are looking for

It's dripping off the walls in this world made of stone
Quick lick
Then split
All will be mended
All will be well

Zone

Opiates drip from my skin

In

The

Drop

Off

Zone

My little angel whispers through the tin can

My little cloud above me

In me

The way home is the path that leads away from it

Wipe your head

Move your feet

No thought

No thinking

Let nothing spill out

You are not the child they make you

Let me be that

I look at the wooden gate and mud

It makes my gut flutter

Slippery slip down

From that time

Anywhere but this place

All these moments

Nothing but

A stain on my soul

Let the mayfly rest on the white wall

And the ladybird climb the curtains

You will be home soon

She coos like a pirouette dancing in my head

Wherever you are I will not forget you

The woman is silent stolen resolute

All such a miserable struggle

Walking through the thief’s door

Every step a decision

A small step home

The woman is silently neglected

Wiping off her poison

In

The

Drop

Off

Zone.

Hour

There is only one window of colour tonight

We will dine on a belly full of stars

And scars

Hardly enough to feed the soul

I hear Alice whisper

Down the hill

At home

I can kill time like a trooper

One hour

Sixty minutes

A pocket full of me

Building up

Building up

Speed

Purpose

Identity

I rustle in the pinching shoes

Every second

Eating me up

Inside

Outside

More toxic than the powder

Don’t think

Don’t look over the top

It’s to keep you safe

They say

Guard your health

I smile

Fuck you inside

You stole me

Consumed me

Burnt me down

Huff puff

Fragile as my house

My home

The lies and keys and ties notorious

Outside calm

Inside fiery

That’s the trick

I hear her

Keep going

Back up the hill

My little angel

Speaking through a string and tin can

Head down

Self down

Power down

Tick Tock

Time can kill me like a trooper.

Seventh Day

One hundred crows land on the roof

Keepers of time lost

Trapped in concrete

Alice left me at the door

On the third floor

Where the green and yellows failed me

Where home was stripped and stolen

I cried as if my body found my soul

Wall to wall de-escalation

One black leg

And the lingering mix of decay and growth

This is how it tends to be

A paper trail of hints and clues

Candy pellets on the forest floor

Leave me alone

Find me

I miss her

But I am glad she is not here

I hope she is safe

Wrapped up in the red bed

Guarding our dreams

Our being

Keeping the queen at bay

The powder rests subtle on my palate

Foul and festering

Beautiful and toasty

Home

Where everything old feels fresh as rain and falling petals

The gentle beat of two souls yielding

One sex

One mind

One being 

This is the seventh day

There seems to be no hope

Except that which we left behind in candles.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a quick note -- this comes from my hospital room...unfortunately j is away from her desk and red bed at the moment...hopefully not for as long as last year...apologies if i don't get back to your replies and posts..as always i appreciate your visits...thank you... j

Light

The thread of our suicide is so very long
And dull sighs Alice 
I clean the sink again
Twelve 
That’s when we’ll stop
I promise
You said that before
You lie
Like mud pie
Well at least it shines
Not so shiny when we stop though
She hops off the shelf and picks the thorns off the floor
It’s dark now
Night 

Look at the moon she says
It’s beautiful
When did you lose your courage 
For a moment she is older than me
Maybe she always is

Let's take the curtains down and light the sky with words  
Sing a song of sixpence
Pennies fill the stars

Time ticks on and we must be real 
And true and pretty and fervent as roses
And never late

For what
The important date
Which is
Today 
Tomorrow 
The day after that 

There are many days to come whether you like it or not

She huffs and folds her hands over her chest

A bird sits in the tree watching 
Always watching
Like a crocus aching for spring
Waiting for the thread to stretch and pop 

It’s really not all that important
It’s just time
It will pass
Your crossroad is inside
They can’t steal that
They can’t steal you

She is right
Of course
My wise little owl

I hold her hand and we make tea and cake and sing

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine, all the time, let it shine

In every dark corner that we find

Let our light shine.

Plummet

I wrote your prophecy on the corner of the prescription bag

If I scratch me
Do I not bleed

I like the dregs of vanilla in my hair
I like the dregs 

I am in trouble
But who to tell

Spill the coffee
Trip over the chair

All is not quite right 

Too scared to close my eyes 
Too scared to stand up straight 

Not quite devastation 

You’re quite the mess of chemicals aren’t you chuckles Alice

My head jolts up
The rain falls down 

I remember now in the house of stone 
The candle spun gossamer flames around the baby’s hand
Told me I am not alone

That thing you burn 
What is it
Asks Alice
It’s my body
If I burn my body
They cannot steal my soul

Gun powder treason and plot
Exactly

Remember remember the fifth of November

You missed the fireworks
I remember a voice
From the safe place
The white bed
Where sleep is sweet and thick like butter

I ache for it
That plummet
Like pain

No point rolling around aching when we can make it up ourselves
She hikes her socks 
Sets her chin and heads for the kitchen 
Cooking up a storm

Rain melts like cotton candy in our mouths

The bag is packed for two ways
I don't know which to choose

I can't feel love for her
I hate that

You’re quite the mix of chemicals aren’t you
Yes I think
We can make anything up but love

Lie down she says and brushes my hair
You are just an empty body remember
Sleep like my pretty girl
I like her hand on me
I smile and settle in the fire.