Home - then not

It is with great trust that I leave Alice with you all for safekeeping

j has left the asylum and is heading off to get her broken skin fixed...

It is with great hope that I will be back and dining on words and stars in two weeks time (gulp says Alice and j)...

Do please be tolerant...she can be a very wilful child...

With much thanks

J and Alice x

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They are painting the white walls
Pure as rabbit
Look sharp Alice
Mummy is home

You already have what you are looking for

It's dripping off the walls in this world made of stone
Quick lick
Then split
All will be mended
All will be well

Zone

Opiates drip from my skin

In

The

Drop

Off

Zone

My little angel whispers through the tin can

My little cloud above me

In me

The way home is the path that leads away from it

Wipe your head

Move your feet

No thought

No thinking

Let nothing spill out

You are not the child they make you

Let me be that

I look at the wooden gate and mud

It makes my gut flutter

Slippery slip down

From that time

Anywhere but this place

All these moments

Nothing but

A stain on my soul

Let the mayfly rest on the white wall

And the ladybird climb the curtains

You will be home soon

She coos like a pirouette dancing in my head

Wherever you are I will not forget you

The woman is silent stolen resolute

All such a miserable struggle

Walking through the thief’s door

Every step a decision

A small step home

The woman is silently neglected

Wiping off her poison

In

The

Drop

Off

Zone.

Hour

There is only one window of colour tonight

We will dine on a belly full of stars

And scars

Hardly enough to feed the soul

I hear Alice whisper

Down the hill

At home

I can kill time like a trooper

One hour

Sixty minutes

A pocket full of me

Building up

Building up

Speed

Purpose

Identity

I rustle in the pinching shoes

Every second

Eating me up

Inside

Outside

More toxic than the powder

Don’t think

Don’t look over the top

It’s to keep you safe

They say

Guard your health

I smile

Fuck you inside

You stole me

Consumed me

Burnt me down

Huff puff

Fragile as my house

My home

The lies and keys and ties notorious

Outside calm

Inside fiery

That’s the trick

I hear her

Keep going

Back up the hill

My little angel

Speaking through a string and tin can

Head down

Self down

Power down

Tick Tock

Time can kill me like a trooper.

Seventh Day

One hundred crows land on the roof

Keepers of time lost

Trapped in concrete

Alice left me at the door

On the third floor

Where the green and yellows failed me

Where home was stripped and stolen

I cried as if my body found my soul

Wall to wall de-escalation

One black leg

And the lingering mix of decay and growth

This is how it tends to be

A paper trail of hints and clues

Candy pellets on the forest floor

Leave me alone

Find me

I miss her

But I am glad she is not here

I hope she is safe

Wrapped up in the red bed

Guarding our dreams

Our being

Keeping the queen at bay

The powder rests subtle on my palate

Foul and festering

Beautiful and toasty

Home

Where everything old feels fresh as rain and falling petals

The gentle beat of two souls yielding

One sex

One mind

One being 

This is the seventh day

There seems to be no hope

Except that which we left behind in candles.

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Just a quick note -- this comes from my hospital room...unfortunately j is away from her desk and red bed at the moment...hopefully not for as long as last year...apologies if i don't get back to your replies and posts..as always i appreciate your visits...thank you... j

Light

The thread of our suicide is so very long
And dull sighs Alice 
I clean the sink again
Twelve 
That’s when we’ll stop
I promise
You said that before
You lie
Like mud pie
Well at least it shines
Not so shiny when we stop though
She hops off the shelf and picks the thorns off the floor
It’s dark now
Night 

Look at the moon she says
It’s beautiful
When did you lose your courage 
For a moment she is older than me
Maybe she always is

Let's take the curtains down and light the sky with words  
Sing a song of sixpence
Pennies fill the stars

Time ticks on and we must be real 
And true and pretty and fervent as roses
And never late

For what
The important date
Which is
Today 
Tomorrow 
The day after that 

There are many days to come whether you like it or not

She huffs and folds her hands over her chest

A bird sits in the tree watching 
Always watching
Like a crocus aching for spring
Waiting for the thread to stretch and pop 

It’s really not all that important
It’s just time
It will pass
Your crossroad is inside
They can’t steal that
They can’t steal you

She is right
Of course
My wise little owl

I hold her hand and we make tea and cake and sing

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Let it shine, all the time, let it shine

In every dark corner that we find

Let our light shine.

Plummet

I wrote your prophecy on the corner of the prescription bag

If I scratch me
Do I not bleed

I like the dregs of vanilla in my hair
I like the dregs 

I am in trouble
But who to tell

Spill the coffee
Trip over the chair

All is not quite right 

Too scared to close my eyes 
Too scared to stand up straight 

Not quite devastation 

You’re quite the mess of chemicals aren’t you chuckles Alice

My head jolts up
The rain falls down 

I remember now in the house of stone 
The candle spun gossamer flames around the baby’s hand
Told me I am not alone

That thing you burn 
What is it
Asks Alice
It’s my body
If I burn my body
They cannot steal my soul

Gun powder treason and plot
Exactly

Remember remember the fifth of November

You missed the fireworks
I remember a voice
From the safe place
The white bed
Where sleep is sweet and thick like butter

I ache for it
That plummet
Like pain

No point rolling around aching when we can make it up ourselves
She hikes her socks 
Sets her chin and heads for the kitchen 
Cooking up a storm

Rain melts like cotton candy in our mouths

The bag is packed for two ways
I don't know which to choose

I can't feel love for her
I hate that

You’re quite the mix of chemicals aren’t you
Yes I think
We can make anything up but love

Lie down she says and brushes my hair
You are just an empty body remember
Sleep like my pretty girl
I like her hand on me
I smile and settle in the fire.

Straw

I walk on acid toes
To the place where my soul stopped breathing

We are stuck in patterns 
Little fingers stealing from the toffee shop

Apples and pears fall through the windows

Rain rain go away 
Come again another day
She sings and swings her legs
Slurps banana milkshake
Through an imaginary straw

Straws are funny things to clutch
She says
I come to with a jolt
Spit cold and burnt
Soaking in the purple pillow

We are not coming to in the right the place Alice
There should be no sun 
No shadows standing over us

You’re never satisfied are you

She wipes her milky lips with the back of her hand 
Switches songs
Red ruby roses grow on our noses
Slash the thorns and slay the horns
We are on our way
Far away from grey

The birds drip honey in our ears
Pretty like petals dulling our heart beat

We are on a chemical drive
Jaded sparkle nod
Why are we drying our arms with socks asks Alice 

This solution isn't working
We need to go back to when I lost my fingerprints

Line our pretties up all in a row
Just like daisies she squeals
Hobblers and crutches

Look up she says and tugs my hand
Her fingers sticky 
Her mouth caked white
Vanilla smoke oozing from her pores
Just like heaven

See up there
In our dream
We are falling in bird baths
And rattling the wind chimes

For one small second I find my soul
It is joyous
And then the chemicals split.