Billow

A strange smell runs through the walls

It cuts right through me

Like a dead telephone call

I lie awake

I lie awake again

How can you hate what you do not know

Maybe you hate because you do not know what to hate

My head hurts Alice 

I can only think in straight lines

Let’s change time itself

She squeals

Make it so we don’t exist

Or we do

She is giddy with possibility

I am giddy with everything I can’t repair

Not even the strongest wind can make me smile 

Or cry

What is backwards and forwards when time no longer exists

I lie awake

Another year passes in the night

It is the same deal

Whether an hour is added 

Or lost

The same missed chances 

Singing through crumbling plaster 

Crafting itself into knots

So thick they can never be undone

The picture frame moves

What kind of woman has no people to call

When the night is tight as a pillow 

Pressed against bleeding lips

You have me she whispers gently

Time is in the sound of the wind

The ticking and tocking to keep us on time

I wonder what for

I would like to take an hour off

I plead as my head billows forth a fiery fall.

Captive

We apologise for any inconvenience

Caused by this construction

Flowers make wonderful bricks

Whispers Alice

As we slide over the broken road

His love is for everyone

She said she went cold

More than a chill

Less than a frost

When I said her name

It wasn’t a name that came

Says Alice

You can’t name something that no longer exists

Someone 

I correct her

I had that flush when she touched me

Like warm 

Sprayed from my toes 

To my head

When I

When I

What, asks Alice 

Gloriously impatient as ever

You’re too young to know

I’m older than you remember

Inhale

She swept the hair from my face 

Like a mother should

She is petite

Not withered

She gives

Doesn’t steal

How are you feeling today

I have to write down what I hate Alice

About myself

Hmm, she sighs

Would you like some sugar

I get out the red pen

Look at the stains on the bed

It’s like I have captured myself

Well that makes no sense at all

Her little hands drop the sugar bag 

We can cover it over with a sheet

Paper or linen

She asks 

I never used to hold a lot of weight

Now I hold it all.

Best Wishes

My face falls

Like the sun

Sweet candy wishes in peppermint dishes

Moments of time

Absorbed in me

I am blinded

Stuck

Stock

Rigid

In the light

Red pen

Yellow skin

Green powder

I am walking up the hill

Sacrilege 

The woman proclaims

Purgatory 

I correct silently in my head

It is all like a dream

The burns

Deep as powder on my tongue

At once dissolvable

But thick as scars

Immovable 

Like the sleep we wish to hold us through the night

Solid clay

Melting stolen flesh

When will this end

Alice whispers 

She sits on my toes

Keeps me warm

As I shiver and shake

I am not sure

Perhaps when we see a beginning

Or an end

She murmurs 

Tentatively 

My head nods wildly against the pillow

I wish the electricity would stop

And the power would drain

Malediction and prayer

Valediction and prayer

I correct silently in my head

My face falls

Like the sun

Sweet candy wishes in peppermint dishes

Moments of time

Absorbed in me

I am blinded

Stuck

Stock

Rigid

In the light.

String Theory

We bind the glass with red string

Place it on the shelf

Our light

Our hope

The hum permeates the house

Makes the walls sing electric

How darkly the sun seems to shine

Curious how it brings us down

When it should carry us to the roof

We do not like noise

It annoys the soul

Says Alice

As she chomps through her third bag of sugar

Don’t you ever get sick of it

I ask

The pain

The boredom

Of course silly

But we do what we do

To be who we are

Or are we what we do

She giggles

It’s like a static equation

I can’t figure out

You can figure anything out silly

She pokes her tongue out at me

The windows hiss as they close

Trapped water in their seams

Paper stuck in the drain

Like words hushed

By a stern teacher

I found the pin

In the fabric of my shoe

I say as the light fades 

Is it rust or blood

It doesn't matter now Alice

They're both the same

One more day done

How are you little mother

I take a deep breath 

Line the arrows up

And push 

I see the glass

Bound in red string

Waiting on the shelf

I wonder why it waits

Maybe for the light of tomorrow

I'm walking on sunshine

My little flower

I say

As my eyes 

Shut down.

Order

We keep butterscotch drops by the bed

Head 

Drop

Log 

Fall

Off

Something sweet 

To grease the wheel

Ease the throat 

Line up arrows

Push off

That looks inviting 

Shall we jump

Decorate the air with vanilla sponge cake

Victoria and jam

See you soon

Over the moon

The siren call draws me in

Quite beautifully

I had ghosts and dreams

We were the prettiest girls in the bingo hall

Two dollar straight quick fix

We were born into this plague

Like a will to keep

A dry tear rolling off the monkey’s back

A kind of blasphemy to deny

Who we are

Who we were

Who we will be

The order of twelve

Tattooed in black spray paint on the boarded up door

We are not whole Alice

Half a deck short of a win

Dry

Empty

The sheets rustle around us like cement 

I reach over

Pick up a butterscotch drop by the bed.

Man

Time moves doesn't it Alice

But it's difficult to capture

Like jelly on a plate

Ooh she squeals

Are we taking tea

We might as well 

It’s a mile past twelve

And three times as yummy

I sniff the cup as the blue man watches

I think he knows my face

What’s left of it

I remember his boots

How very dull sighs Alice

Getting caught

Pay attention little mother

You’re in bed now remember

Needless to say you are late

Or early

Who knows she giggles and chomps

A stitch in time saves nine

Nine what I think

My hands shake

Giddy for something I cannot find

For someone I can’t quite remember 

She crunches her sugar 

It bursts my veins

I don’t want to think but she gets in me like a scream

Lewd little parasite lovely 

Like him

So nothing's really real

Because it doesn't have to be

That's right

So it doesn't matter if we live forever

Or if we die tonight

Exactly

Hmm

She crunches her sugar 

It bursts my veins

I think we're getting smarter

We were always smart Alice

We just weren't loved 

The heart is nothing but a muscle

If you don't use it 

It will atrophy and die

She states proudly

Sugar crumbs pouring through broken teeth

Someone needs to come and unlock me I think

She eyes me cautiously

We are all living in the shadow of an addict 

There’s nothing special about that

Blue dress

Blue trousers

I try to think it out

Give me water mummy

The tears melt the paper

But don't wash the past away

I am not your mummy

If you wake up will the walls tumble down

Yes

And I will have to leave

Yes

Then go back to sleep

I won't let the blue man in

And if he kicks the door 

I will bite his big black boots

Just like Rabbit

How can you I think

I made you up

Like the stone

I placed on his head

Now it's you who will not leave.

Huff

I knead the words

Like they are the very best of my excuses

You can’t catch rabbit by the tail

You have to use a gun

Now who's getting dark

Anything that could be lost

Has been lost

The clock has no hands on 

And my head is in a spin

You never lost me

I’m as steady as burning coal

Besides the only thing you can truly lose is your self

She looks pleased with her choice of words

Smoothing out her crisp dress

Pulling up her clean socks

Put the shovel down a minute

Flatten down the dirt

Rabbit will always get away

Chasing him is folly

Remember 

It’s just how the story goes

Like an endless piece of string

Then I will turn my back to the wind

Hunker bunker down like a pebble

Feel as good as I can be

Feel like I am in heaven

Now who's being silly

Everything can be re-found

All that is trampled can be rebuilt

All that is lost can be replanted

I am too tired to begin again Alice

But it is not beginning 

It is like adding colour 

Brilliant silver spider threads

Look in the mirror 

See, we are trip trip skipping through time 

It can be fun you know

Like climbing to the roof

Then going deep into the cellar

The image stings my mind

I can’t stop

Stuck in this sick little club house

I drive her crazy

She drives me home

Fear is a trick like Rabbit’s tail

We must

Huff puff

And blow his house down.

Inhalation

Today I am yellow

Eyes thick and heavy 

Like strawberries and cream

Thats new 

I think through the mirror

She giggles

It’s because you’re going further down

Don’t you know

Silly

Eat up sweetheart

Mummy's coming home

We turn pirouettes in the sheets

It’s a bare minimum sort of existence

Messy 

Immaculate

A place only an imaginary (almost) eight year could envy

There was a number on the table

Thirty six

Maybe that was when

When

Make a list

Add up your fall

Like a calculation

I look at Alice and we both laugh 

As if chaos can be tidied up and written on a chart

I made every inch of her

Inhalant

I shout

Red pen

In the middle of the night

Three dollars a pack

Three dollars a pact

It doesn’t really matter what you get stuck to

It all takes you down

No point opening old wounds

There are plenty more new to be had

Home is where mummy is

A trick so they say

I wonder if she will be buried in my name

Or I under hers

Run your fingers over the yellow stars

What do they say

This is crazy

Like trying to fix us backwards
Or not trying to fix us at all

The veins glow red 

Like my eyes are bleeding 

That's new

She says

I hold my head

A deep inhalation

At the end of the day.