Petals

The moon casts its petals

Like seasoning

Through my bones

It drips through my feet

Into the ground

Where the words

Are lost

Like

Rumblings

Under the earth

Heartbeats

Wrapped up in stones

All that is

All that was

Screw

Metal line

Black runs

All the same really

Stiches

Stiches

Tape

A

Stitch

In

Time

Saves

I wonder where the tea is moans Alice

Still

We huddle in the empty pit

This holding room

I polish the new shoes

Say to her gently

Soon

Soon

After the locks are turned

And we can walk into the air

You remember Alice

The air

That comes in

Through the window

Which

I always keep open

So the world remembers us

I try to keep my face still

Keep her heart steady

As the petals

Fall from the moon

Into our head

Into our hands. 

Kick

My face

My face

Reflects

The

Yellow

Not

Time

Not

Nicotine

Small

Powder

Kicks

tick tick ticking

Work around the blood

Clock work

Clock stopped

Time

A lame kind of trick

trick trick tricky

Where exactly is the tea and cake

Demands Alice

She is getting

Restless

Restless

Stamps

Her tiny little feet

Tersely

Her red patent shoes

Scuffed

Messy

Not quite

Ruined

Worn through

Wearing through

We are playing the game

Right

Co-operate

Disconnect

Stop

Being

Shh

But I have a plan

A simple plan

Held safe in my pocket

Held safe

You see

Like Alice

Is

j

That is how

I hold

My

Self

Safe

It has always been

It will always be

My face

My face

Reflects

The

Yellow

Not

Time

Not

Nicotine

Small

Powder

Kicks

tick tick ticking

Work around the blood

Clock work

Clock work

Time

Will strike

When

Hand reaches pocket

Alice and I will sing

Will sing

We are safe

We are safe

We are one

We are all

We are.

Sand

My mind

Is

Disguised

Buried

In

A

Sand

Jar

Waiting

To

Drip

Drip

Like

Time

Silently

Falling

Lost

Lost

Forever

Forgotten

Who

I

Am

Who

Am

I

I keep the filthy stick it together tape

On my body

The smell intoxicating as thought

Think

Think

Of what is inside

What cannot be stolen

You are

You are

I am

I am

I cannot choose the right shoes

There is nowhere to walk

Turning circles

Left to right

Right to left

All so very pointless

I wish

I wish

I had not

Whispered

Help

The second day

Of the second month

When time stopped

When I stopped

The paper cross defeated me

I am empty

My mind disguised

Waiting to be buried

I will make red markers

Come back to collect

What has been stolen

What will always be mine.

Nightmare

One sings Jesus

The other shouts chandeliers

It should be curious

It is not

It is not

We walk around our edgy little circle

Neck stiff

Silver

Poking through

Poking through

Pin head lost in thread

Oxidised

Lost inside

Lost inside

If we were more lithe

We would jump to the moon

Over the roof

And far away

Past the crows

Who pitter-patter

Over the plastic slates

Black icons

Sharp beaks

Camera eyes

What

Will be

Will be

Time disappears

Yet aches

Loop and swoop

Red scarf

Over moon

Dance and fly

Say good bye

If only

If only

We could look up

Mud dusty on shoes

Calendar stopped

Red pen letter by the phone

The strange smell

Of what

We were

We were

We silently walk around

Our little nightmare.

Perish

I do not want the words to die

I whisper

To

Alice

As we turn on the tiny

Bed

That

Is

Not

Ours

I feel her heart

Faintly

In

My

Hands

So

Precious

She

Is

I know the patterns of the

Puddles

In

The

Dark

I know that rain dries

Mud brushes off

Yet

Still

It

Is

All

So

Very

Wrong

Alice’s hair will grow long and smooth

We will turn to salt and pepper

But we will not change

Never change

What we are

What I am

Is

Always

Inside

Safe

Songs remembered

Stories treasured

Faces stroked

I cannot cry

Any more

For what will be lost

Is already gone

The sentence waits for us

Out there

We shiver and perish inside

I do not want the words to die

I whisper

To

Alice

As

We turn on the tiny

Bed

That

Is

Not

Ours.

Mistake

Hug

Careful

These words

Are

Too

Soft

For

Me

Like warm butter

Or

Love

Un catchable

Un traceable

Nothing

Nothing

But sticky fingers

Empty hands

Everything has gone

It is a terrible mistake

Alice cannot speak

We turn circles

In the yard

The yard

Where we are

Who we are

What we are

Now

Silent

Unspeakable

Urgent as an artery

Fit

To

Burst

I go back to the place

The place that used to be mine

Where I checked the locks

Made sure it was safe

I was safe

It is gone

Home

Is

Gone

Touched

Violated

My hug

My careful

Is lost

Locked up

Thrown away

I hold Alice

Her hair is matted

Her eyes sore

We can’t even say to each other

This is a terrible mistake

Such a terrible mistake.

Braced

I drink boiled water as the rainbow fades

The black cat comes to see me

She stands in the field

Outside the window

Frame

Where real

Is

She says

I am still here

I am still here

I am climbing the internal walls

Back in the worn down

Hospital shoes

Get out

Stay out

Never quite

Stuck

Like

I

Got

Stuck

stuck stuck sticky

I put my hood up and my head down

My body is the sword

I am ready to reach up

Catch it in my hands

Lick the edge

I am more

I am more

I will paint my red

On the walls

Inside

Outside

Toss the peanuts

To the crowd

Hood up

Head down

Fearsome outsider

Stuck

Inside

Alice and I

We are plan plan planning

Every inch of thought used

To save us

Time survived in small fragments

Instinctual

Like a butterfly

Braced

On the tips of our tongues

On the soles of our worn down shoes

We are

We are

(shh).

Last Word

The transfer

Will be brutal

As cold as his face

As he fails to look me in the eye

To tell me

I will not see

My home

Sleep in my bed

Smell of myself

Be of myself

Ever again

Ever again

It is no grope

It is a violation

A rape of sorts

Of my mind

My soul

I fell

I fell 

Down the hole

Of his making

Where there is no rabbit

No jam

Or tea

No smiling cat

And poor little Alice is gone

And poor little Alice is gone

I could not lift my head

Bear sitting

Tolerate light

The transfer will be brutal

But you can lock me up for a thousand years

Rip me apart from inside out

And I will still be me

I will still be me

More

Than

You ever

Will be

And I will look you in the eye

And I will say

You fucked me

You fucked me

I will have the last word

Taped to my chest

I will have the final word

The possession of my

Being.

Blessing

This moment

This moment

Lasts forever

And yet it is

Nothing

At

All

I am no more

Than

A

Hospital

Towel

To be

shaken folded stowed away

She choked

I heard the numbers

Beep

The gasp

The image

Of a face turning blue

She choked

She choked

And it was me

Sat in the dark

listen listen listening

Wishing it was me

Gasping

Losing breath

When you lose breath

You lose thought

Losing thought

Losing thought

Is blessed blessed blessing

No more struggle in the dust

No more feet held in the shackles of powder

Ah, but then

But then

It goes back

To the first thought

The only thought

Back to the miracle of dust and powder

Instant trip fall ride

There is a balance

In the chaos of anoxia

The slap of darkness

Welcome in the night

When eyes are open

And sleep doesn’t come

And all there is

Life

In a small bottle under the bed

This moment

This moment

Lasts forever

And yet it is

Nothing

At

All.