Book of Colour

I will make a book of colour

Red

It will be

A map

A geography

Of

My

Face

How curious

That the skin is thin

And yet I am opaque

I flushed it down the sink

Boiling and shaking inside

We shouldn't whispered Alice

It could have been another way

There is no other way

There is no other way

I tell her

Although

We both know

We both know

We sit on the edge of the shower

The hum of the extractor

The darkness

When we have passed

An hour

Of not moving

How glorious that is

We are here but not felt

Transparent

We used to fight

Now we show no resistance

Life is drained

Like marrow from bone

We

Wait and cry

Wait and cry

Grubbing around

For small comforts

That simply can not be found

Let us make an oath

Let us swear to fight

We will make a book of colour

Red

It will be

The pencil trembles in our hand

Held high above the first page.

Crave

We cannot think

Of home

I tell Alice

She shudders

And the cold runs

Down

My spine

This is like one day

Running into a million years

Pointless second

After

Pointless second

We do not know

Who we are

We do not know

Who we are

We are nothing

And yet we must be

Because there is pain

Always pain

A constant putrid shudder

Rolling down our backs

Like a million

Frozen spiders

That will wake and bite

If we move

If we breathe

If we be

There is no way out

We know

We know

Not that we crave out

We are so lost

We want

Nothing

Silence

Dark

Peace

Nobody to make us jump

Or cut like a switch blade

Through our being

Leave us open to the constant putrid noise of people

People who cannot even leave the crows quiet

In peace

We die quietly in our room

We are nothing

There is nothing left of us

Even standing against the wall

Waiting

Begging

For food

For powder

Makes us cry

Why must we be awake

We want nothing

Except an end

That is all we crave.

Wake Up

Wake up

Let me cry and scream

The negatives

That is me

Still

Left

Somewhere

Inside

Holding on

Like the bird

Landed on the side of the wall

She is still

But not at rest

One arm in the window

One arm out

The real world

Nothing more than

A

Small

Vacuum

Of breath

There is nothing to protect me

Against

The dust

Not my dust

The good dust

The dust of

Failing people

Falling off the wall

We have no safe place to shelter

Our souls explode like

Unheard bombs

Round and round we go

Smoking twigs

Rocking in time to

The worries in the next room

The worries in the next room

No space to rest

I am spent

I can no longer

Piece my self together

I can no longer

Be

I am eroded

Resilience drained

Like the pus from my arm

Quietly

Secretly

Without importance

Curious whispers Alice

They do not see what they punish us for

I know

I know

It has always been so

I cry

And

I cry

She lets me

I must struggle

If I am silent

I am lost

Wake up

Let me cry and scream

The negatives

That is me

Still

Left

Somewhere

Deep

Inside.

Wish

I wonder how much more of this

We can endure

I ask the little girl

In my pocket

She shivers

Her lips encrusted

With fear

With bad powder

She does not have to speak

For me to understand

Our answer

We have nothing left

Inside

Nothing

Beyond empty

Beyond being

Beyond wishing to be

We are trapped within

This cage

Of destruction

Of fear

Of bad powder

And bad people

Such very bad people

We can no longer cry

At how much they hurt us

We can no longer

Skip to tea

With hatter

Or hear the tick of rabbit’s watch

We are locked in

She shivers

And I understand

We are locked in

Not just by the keys

We are beyond the point of existence

And yet we must endure

Every second

Which falls backwards

Over and over again

We do not need rabbit’s watch

To hear time falling back

To feel time falling back

Over and over again

Like a metal net

Like a nightmare

Forged around our head in steel

How it hurts

How alone we feel

We are alive

And yet not

How broken we are

How encrusted in fear

We have lost everything

Nothing left to trust

Silver

Dust

Ash

Life

Pulse

Breath

Being

All gone

All gone

We turn our head into the pillow and say the only words we own

I wish myself dead

I wish myself dead

I wish myself dead.

Like a birthday candle

I tell the little girl in my pocket

If we are good

Our wish may become true.

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All Apologies

The daisies spring up

Like apologies

As fragile

As the bone

Underneath

Which sighs

We are still here

It hurts

It hurts

Cries Alice

As we are

Saturated

In

What is

What should not be

We are

Way beyond

Way beyond

The threshold

Squashed

Underneath

The mighty sigh

Of

Being

We are no longer bold

I cry

To Alice

We are beaten

Into the dirt

Of

What is

What should not be

They are not powerful enough

To use swords

To beat

Us

Down

They kick and spit

Like cowards and bullies

They are killing us

I cry

To Alice

We sigh

We are all alone

No one will hold our hand

And

Apologise

Our death will be a hollow victory

We will be forgotten

I cry to Alice

Because no one sees us here

Fragile and beautiful like daisies

Dying in the dirt.

Caged

He mocks me

Through the smoking cage

Round and round

You go

I cannot see his face

Only hear his voice

It makes me sick

I feel my world disappearing

In the back of my throat

Like misery rising up

My gullet

I try to swallow it

Down

The grief

The desolation

The violation

Sleep

I think of how I sleep

At home

Where I don’t have to dream of catching turtles

Although me and Alice

Laugh

As the light shines through the viewing hatch

And we wrestle silently with their slippery shells

You cannot steal what is in our head

You cannot steal us

However much misery you stuff down our throat

Cotton wool

And ether

Until we retch

But can’t cough up

What is wrong

What is wrong

We are stuck

We are stuck

Basking

Drowning

In that one question

The question we don’t know

Can’t answer

The fucker laughs

Through the smoking cage

I cannot see his face

But I know his voice

Has no power

I hold Alice

Round and round

We will go

I say

It will help us

Come the running day.

Disintegrate

The crows fight and fall to the ground

Like gloves

Separating

Disintegrating

Disconnecting

A kind of black smudge

Of discontinuity

Run tomorrow

Run tomorrow

They sing

But tomorrow becomes today

Today tomorrow

And still

Here

I am

Not

Me

There are men and finger prints

In the steam

Mirror

Not another world

The same world

Over and over

Fuck says Alice

I concur

As sharply as the metal

That I placed near my eye

Don’t see me

I won’t see you

I won’t see you

We stamp and cry

A little

But the urge to fight

Is dead

Dead as the end of a candle

Not worth burning

We cannot activate our souls

In this steam world

Dead as an old typewriter

Lodged outside a constellation

We are nothing

We leave no trace

We leave nothing

We fall like black gloves

Disintegrating

Disconnecting

Run tomorrow

Run tomorrow

Says Alice

And I concur.

Salt Peter

The lost apostles

Shine like

Shadow flowers

I lick the salt peter

Ingrained

In

Grained

The black blood

Under my skin

In my skin

All of me

In

Grained

The world is in me

And on me

I cannot argue

With the weight

Of it

Which

She

Feels

More than me

Which

She

Swallows

Not licks

I can’t take it away

I can’t remove

Argue

With

The thick stone

Of being

Which we both

Carry

Which is

My

Fault

Always

Always

My fault

I squint

Searching the ground

For pieces

To make my world

Inside of me

All of me

Twigs

Splinters

Hard grass

The gold cigarette butt

Like a bullet shell

There it is

I say

To Alice

As she bruises herself

The answer

Red in the dirt

The colour beneath that will keep us

Alive.