Dear Body

Dear Body,

I have not been kind to you 

I have punished you and pushed you to your limits 

I have made you step right to the edge

Left you damaged and scarred 

Made you feel untold pain and left you in the harsh hands of other people 

Uncaring people who magnified the hurt 

I am sorry, I truly am 

I regret how much I have hurt you 

How I have made life more painful as we enter the third chapter of our life

I will try to take better care of you now that I have woken up 

I will soothe you with creams

Touch you softly 

Only expose you to gentle hands 

Hold you in my own arms

A hug that only we can share 

When I look in the mirror 

If I do look in the mirror 

I do not not always see you

I certainly don’t remember a before 

There are photographs 

But I cannot look 

I have always struggled to like you

To feel connected to you 

Perhaps that is the way I am made 

But it wasn’t good for you 

It meant I neglected you 

Took you for granted 

Now is the time to reconvene 

To get to know each other, perhaps for the first time

I will move you gently 

I will take care of you so that you can guide us into happier days 

Perhaps most of all I will learn to love you 

You are after all the only body I will ever have 

I should have known that many years ago 

But then I wasn’t thinking 

I didn’t think we would be alive this long

I sincerely hope you will in some way recover 

That with love and care you will reach a stage of healing 

Of no more damage 

I promise to look after you from here on in 

Just as you have looked after me 

Kept on going despite the odds

So thank you and with all my love and apologies 

Dear body, stay with me. 

Overcoming

Alice is overcome with glee

She claps her hands and twirls on the spot 

We are slowing understanding the world

The obstacles it lays out for us

Like a grand awakening

Things that were in shadow 

Begin to become clear

Words we never understood 

Faces we could not read 

Actions which scared us 

Noises and light 

We lie on our bed with the pink blanket over us

Take deep breaths

Shut our eyes

But we are no longer hiding

We are coping with the problems thrown up to us 

Shutting down naturally

Not with chemicals 

It is a work in action 

But movement is good 

Like an old, brown rocking chair 

Nestled by a fire

With a pile of books beside it 

She chews on her toast

Did you know autumn is coming, she delights 

Raises a sticky hand coated in jam in the air

Happy as a child should be 

Perhaps overcoming can be both fleeting and lasting

There are moments of happiness

And then the bigger battles won 

There will be new ones as well 

Life is ever-changing 

What you think you have conquered 

Can rear its head again but in a different way 

Now we write everything down

All the worries and fears

If we make them physical they seem less big 

Hardly take up a page of paper

We have a lot of lists, she giggles 

I prefer just marching on, she trills 

But I know she is not mocking me 

We have both found our own ways 

Neither right or wrong

Just ours

We enjoy the early morning quiet 

When the traffic is still and the building asleep 

Today there will be things to overcome 

But with her hand in mine 

And a song in my head 

I will take the day on and be proud of what we have done. 

Aardvark

What is the first word you learnt, I ask her

She is standing on tippy toes by the window

She thinks for a moment 

Looking out, waiting for when the doorbell might ring 

‘Aardvark’ she proceeds obediently 

And claps her hands in glee

I smile too, sheepishly jolly 

All too keen to share a joke

Our breath steams up the glass

Two souls breathing 

Exhaling the tedium 

Inhaling the new

Wouldn’t it be good if words were pennies

Then we would be billionaires 

Her smile widens 

Think of all the tea and cake 

And we could travel around the globe

Or dabble in antiques 

How curious she declares 

We take a moment to ponder the possibilities 

But I am glad that we can 

That we are no longer attached to the bed

In a fit of the vapours and under the spell of malaise 

She hums a tune

Sweet music fills the air 

Her gentle soul and spirit of adventure 

Aardvark I whisper to myself 

I expect the first word I learnt was slightly different

But I do not remember, perhaps don’t want to 

I am happier with her, in our world 

It has its own kind of magic and safety 

All wrapped up in inky pages

An unfolding text of story 

Chalky underfoot not marble or porcelain 

A little rough to touch 

A journey with many dents and holes 

The doorbell never rings of course

We do not expect visitors 

But I am glad that she watches 

It is a gesture of possibility 

When the sun rises we will walk 

Feel the sky on our faces 

Glad to welcome in another day 

To learn the next word and the next

To keep moving forward and keep learning how to smile. 

Feathered

We sit on the tilt of the window frame 

The wind blows 

The leaves fall off the tree

They are blown and feathered 

Lining the ugly concrete 

We would like to gather them up

Keep them safe somewhere

Like stray pennies

A reminder of all the time we have watched them

Change form green to brown 

Well attached to the tree then fallen 

Now the branches are beginning to look bare 

Old as bones 

But strong, fixed to the ground 

Surrounded by earth and stones 

They are like friends 

Not strangers

They have decorated our world for many years 

They fall like words 

Crispy and certain on a white cotton page 

We scratch our head

A new day is beginning 

A new poem and yet the same view 

Out of the window 

Over to the hills

A place we have never explored

We savour the early morning hours

When it is still and peaceful

When all we can hear is birds

And the movement of nature

We drink tea

Eat crunchy toast 

Wash our faces 

And finally feel ready to venture past our view

To make our world

Just a little bit bigger

We smile as the sun rises
And the sky turns blue

Pull on our socks and shoes 

Ready for an adventure. 

Breaking Free

Breaking free is not a single moment

Not like an axe striking through a lock
It is a process
A learning and a journey 
Perhaps there is a moment when you contemplate breaking free
A spark of electricity, a clear thought 
And in that moment you do strike 
But something has to come afterwards, to keep moving forwards 
To become unbound and feel the freedom beneath your feet 
There are many things that bind us
They gather up in a tangle 
Like tumbleweed 
Get stuck in your hair and on your clothes
Difficult to shake off 
We are an amalgam of all the things that bind us 
A mosaic of worries, fears and habits 
But we can re-paint the picture 
Take apart the pieces and draw something new 
A clear sky and calm sea 
A place of safety, a refuge from the storm 
We are glad to be in the process of breaking free
There are moments when the tangles re-appear 
When we get a little stuck 
But we are not completely held down 
There is still room for movement 
A shake of a hand or a foot 
The momentum of wanting something more
The journey is unknown and grand 
But we have made a start
We will stop for tea and cake 
Find pleasure in the voyage
Chip away at the lock
And in time fashion our own key 
Cast the chains aside. 

August

We go for our morning walk 

Early before the sun gets too hot

Although the clouds are heavy with rain today

Thick and plump, like berries

We have not seen many butterflies or bees this summer

Perhaps there was not enough sunshine

Or the flowers and trees are failing in their roots

We look ahead, to the hills

Wish we could take off our shoes

And walk bare foot in the grass

Feel the dew beneath our toes

Mother Nature’s tears 

When we were young 

The summers were long

We don’t remember rain or grey skies

Just running off alone 

Into our imagination 

We could entertain ourselves for hours 

Nothing more than sticks or stones in our hands

Perhaps we would ride our bikes

Pretend to journey further

Far off to a magical land

A safe place

How wonderful that would have been 

How little of the world we have seen

We never thought we would end up 

Where we began 

It isn’t really home 

Home is a feeling inside your head 

But our books and windows make us feel safe

We do not walk far

Joints aching and stiff 

But more supple than the time we were curled up in bed

Lost in a haze

We would like to see the sun again

Before autumn is upon us 

Though we like cooler skies 

Refreshing winds and cool rain on our cheeks 

August is almost at an end 

How quickly it has passed 

Almost without mention 

Until we picked up our pen

And gave it some thought 

August is a good month whispers Alice

And I smile at her and agree

Hoping September is on our doorstep 

And the year keeps marching on. 

Full Dark, No Stars

Last night there was a full moon

Before it came there was full dark, no stars

We waited for the moon as the night faded 

Tucked away in our hidey-hole 

Looking overhead 

Wishing on the stars that anything could be possible 

Alice looked pretty in her fresh blue dress

She said she wanted to match the full, blue moon 

We sipped lemonade, flicked through magazines

Looking at the pretty pictures

All the things we will never have 

Funny, it did not make us mournful 

All the pictures are pretend 

A snapshot of a story

Like an eclipse, look away and you will miss it

Although the crows will scream and flee 

She gingerly crosses one ankle over another 

Gazes up, through the curtains, past the oak tree

They say the blue moon is a once in a lifetime experience 

Like a wedding but without the get out clause 

It will leave a fog the following day 

The skies will be hazy, brushed and tarnished

Perhaps a little wounded 

The minutes tick on, our eyes become sleepy 

Heavy and thick with sleep 

As if we have ingested a potion 

We sat and looked at the sky for some time 

But soon our muscles ached and we craved our bed

And so we lay down 

With the curtains open, of course

The blue moon came and went 

We did not see it 

Perhaps today it will be in a photograph

We will go for our walk 

Look in the shops, see the pictures in the newspapers

With all the other stories that flummox us 

We are glad we tried to see the blue moon 

Glad that before we had full dark, no stars

We like the dark and tonight the stars will return 

For now we wait for the sun 

The clouds to shuffle, the rain to pour 

Another night passing into day 

Handing over the baton in a race we will take at our own speed 

And most importantly in our own way. 

For Shay’s Word Garden 

Bliss

The story passes down our arms

Onto the page

In black and white

Charged, like particles 

Atoms of creativity 

Thundering through our soul

Our heart leaps 

Our eyes open 

We take a deep breath

Turn reality so all our memories are bliss

Happy and warm, like a kiss

Pieces of the past, present and future

Wrapped around us in an embrace

For a moment we forget what we are called

We are simply beings 

Wandering souls

With all the world to spare

Free from heartache and misery 

Free to create just what we please 

What pleases us 

Blue skies, creamy butter, piping hot tea

Endless streets to walk down and get lost in 

People who smile at us and wave in greeting

A world in which we belong 

A place that we can really inhabit

The bliss is intense and fleeting

But rather makes our day 

Leaves a white light pulsing inside our veins 

We wonder if it will visit us again 

When we need it

When we least expect it 

We savour the bliss 

Paint it in ink 

Cement it in our brain

How magical it is

How difficult to describe 

Bliss is the apex of being 

And for once we got to climb. 

Scared

I have been scared of many things 

Along my journey 

Trying to understand the world 

And it not understanding me 

Things that scared me - 

Loud noise (it hurts me physically)

Light (it feels like a knife cutting into my head)

People (what do you do with people?)

Being locked up (losing control with people who delight in having power over you)

Being awake (I just wanted to be asleep. To not be connected to painful feelings)

Change (everything is chaotic when you are not in control and the routine isn’t yours)

Leaving school (I didn’t understand that it would come to an end. I didn’t know what came afterwards. It was my safe place and when it ended everything fell apart)

My parents (They were damaged people and they passed the damage onto me)

Alcohol and the way it made things dangerous (people being violent when drunk) 

Drugs (how I got stuck in the feeling of being distanced from pain) 

Not having a door to shut behind me (I like the feeling of safety when I can shut a door and lock it. Keep people away. When I was locked up someone was always watching me and opening my door and that was like being little again. Not in control)

Emotions (What are they? Why do they hurt so much but are not physical) 

Outside (What will people think of me?)

Inside (Was I living in a home or a prison?)

Myself (I was the biggest danger to myself)

One day the sun rose and I decided I needed to change

There were too many near misses

Too much lost time

I am beginning to understand myself and the world

A place that I can create and feel safe in

A world of my own making within a bigger world 

Things that aren’t so scary anymore -

The possibility of every day 

People (they cannot hurt me more than I have hurt myself) 

Going out (I choose where and when. I do not have to do things according to anybody else’s rules) 

Thinking about the past (The past is written on me and I don’t always understand it but I have reached an acceptance. A time of calm)

Me. 

Raining

It’s raining cats and dogs squeals Alice

Absolute delight painted on her rosy cheeks
We wanted rain to break the heat
The blue drops tumble down the window frame
We stick our heads out 
Let the soothing water caress our skin 
We really do love looking at the world
Feeling it on us, inside us 
Later we will lace up our pink shoes
Splash through the clean puddles 
Walk the pavements slick with moisture
But we will be steady underfoot 
That is a new feeling
To feel balanced and certain 
To go out whatever the weather 
To make the most of our days 
For now we drink tea and eat crunchy toast 
The warmth and crispiness wakes us up 
We start the day with a quiet mind
And a bolt of sensation 
Little sparks of electricity waking up our brain 
We don’t remember our dreams
But they are busy, full of colour and sound 
Like a movie unspooling 
We write our words in the quiet 
Devour other peoples’ in the day 
Then sleep and ponder at night
Processing, understanding  
I wonder how they made up the saying, she asks 
Was it really raining cats and dogs 
That would be quite unpleasant 
A trip something like falling down the Rabbit Hole
I don’t know Little Cricket
There are lots of funny sayings, idioms 
Things we never understood were not real 
Think of all the fur and mews and barks 
That would not be as refreshing as rain drops 
But it would be nice to stroke the cats and dogs after they fell
To feel the warmth of their fur 
And hold them safe 
Would they disappear when they hit the ground 
Or scamper off into the fields
She claps her hands in delight 
We let the sound of the rain fill the room, our head
Soon it will be Autumn and the cool air will refresh us
The leaves will fall and we will feel like change 
The rain eases up 
More like kittens and puppies 
We delight in it 
How magical it seems to start another day.

Electric dreams

A single magpie lands on the roof opposite

We salute it from behind the fogged-up window 

These are the rules we have learnt 

Long ingrained since childhood 

The air is hot and grey 

A sultry summer

Passing into autumn 

We have had a night of dreaming 

We do not know if our thoughts are lucid or automatic 

Some of them we would not choose 

They leave us shaken and sore 

But forgotten if we do not write them down 

We keep them as records of what we have seen and felt

When we awake we toast muffins 

And smear them with butter

Let the golden cream melt into the toasty surface

It makes us smile 

Leaves our lips greasy, teeth slimy 

When we have finished our cup of tea

The day begins proper 

We will walk, see the trees and sky

Choose ripe fruit that speaks to us 

From the supermarket shelves 

We do not quibble with our initial reactions

We are learning to listen to what speaks to us

What might make us happy, fills our day 

We remember the days when we felt like an escapee 

When the locked doors and puny people decided our fate 

Now our steps and thoughts are free (er)

We smile at the store clerks 

Say hello to the same people we pass every day 

That makes us feel like we belong 

Perhaps we have been given a second chance

Have become reincarnated before our time 

We are not quite fixed but are working on joining up the edges 

We do not dream of electric sheep 

Just colourful landscapes and frizzy images 

But then again we are not androids

We are human, that much we remember

No longer living without thought 

Or casting aside our humanity 

Perhaps in time our dreams will be less vivid 

The electricity dialled down and softened 

We would like to dream of fields and oceans 

As it is we will let our story play out, keep a track 

Measure how far we have travelled 

All the way from there to here

Just like a magpie chasing berries 

Waiting for its mate to join them 

Before they fly away

Life feels as vivid as an electric dream.  

For Shay's Word Garden

Novel

Perhaps now we are awake 

We will silently write our own novel 

She smiles, her teeth gleaming in the sun

I will never be alone 

As long as she is here 

I am unable to imagine a world without her 

We have shared both darkness and light

Followed the path of the river

All around the world 

Its blue magic gleaming in our veins

Like electricity 

The essence of our being 

Or part of it anyway, I suppose

My face aches in the heat 

The skin stretched and taut

Unable to mould itself carefully to my bones

To flex and move

Perhaps my face means 

That I can never have secrets 

My eyes are blue

Like hers

And the river 

They have stayed the same 

For that I am grateful 

Of course we do not wholly reveal ourselves

As we walk out into the day 

There is a narrative

A beginning, a middle and an end

What is read depends on both writer and reader 

The story has infinite variations

As hard to pin down as spaghetti 

The ink slipping off the page

Tiny black lines disappearing into the air 

To capture a story

To write a novel seems so vast 

So nebulous

We like these snapshots

They echo how we think 

Clear photographs from memory 

Moments captured

Ideas played with and forgotten 

We are glad to be awake 

But for today our novel will be brief 

Half hidden from view

A work in progress 

And an idea dismissed.

Wicked

Something wicked this way comes
I remember you
I remember the summer 
You overtook my head
I could see you
In mirrors 
In pictures
Both moving and still 
I lost touch with reality 
But it felt like an adventure 
Dangling legs off bridges, running in the rain
Laughing 
Losing the keys to our front door
I don’t know why I was drawn to you
You were magnetic
A magician 
Over and over again you repeated the same words
You are fucking brilliant I wrote in sand
And on my skin
But truly, you had a hand in my downfall 
And the rain came down
And washed away the words
I liked your ability to control 
Your power 
The rapidness of language
How you kept people at the end of your fingertips 
Like a puppet master 
Playful and cruel 
Did I want to be like you 
Or toss away the part of me that was like you 
I became powerless when you entered my head
But also on top of the world 
Invincible 
I looked up where you were 
As if writing down the days and dates
Would bring us into contact
Would let the fates collide
Of course it was a one way street
A mystical mirror 
Distorting truth and reality 
I remember but I do not feel you anymore 
My head is bigger 
Full of sky to fill with thought clouds
My world, not yours, or ours 
I used to think you were a god 
But now I think you were wicked 
Something wicked this way comes
I type and with each keystroke 
I wipe away the dust of my breakdown 
And build myself up again 
In fine porcelain bricks. 

Anger

I rub the cream into my scars

Lost in thought

I never hurt myself in anger

Not like everyone believed 

It felt like I was in control 

It made me escape my thoughts

Drifted me off into a haze 

Pain blurred into calm

Power over my body and mind

I look in the mirror 

See the damage I have wrecked upon myself 

Quite unbelievable 

Still so close

Being well is a novelty 

So many years of near misses 

Substances that changed my brain 

They are what made me angry 

Made me scream 

Fight, kick and cry 

It is less than half a year without them 

But already my body is returning to me

With sadness 

Strength 

And determination to make things better 

I do not want to die angrily 

With regrets and pain lingering in my mind

My goals are small 

Enjoy each day

But they feel important 

Watching the clouds move in the sky

Seeing the sunrise

And stars at night 

Learning to be me 

Inhabiting my name and presence 

Perhaps this is how it feels to be a newborn 

One that is brought into the world

In love

Wanted and treasured 

Quite the opposite to my beginning 

My face and body will never change now

The past is written on me

Loud and increasingly clear 

I would not change it 

It is after all my story 

But I wish the years would have been different 

That I would have understood sooner 

That no one could have stopped me

Except me 

I look into my eyes

They are clear now

Not bloodshot

I talk to myself

You can do it 

And well done 

And really I do not feel anger or regret 

Just a sense of pride 

That I have conquered the dark side of me 

And am letting the light shine through. 

Apathy

I am feeling apathetic 

Limbs heavy and aching 

Awkward and bumbling 

Barely the energy to give a thumbs-up to Alice

Who is sitting on the window-sill 

Watching me writhe 

Arms and legs twisting like helicopter blades 

My thoughts turning in circles

Never ending at times

One worry replaced by another 

Furiously trying to process the world 

Perhaps the Red Queen paid a visit in the night

Peppered madness into our dreams 

A thought that terrifies us 

We do not want to be stuck in madness again 

It was just a bad day she whispers

Forever reassuring 

I do not like the jangles of yesterday

Listening to people who do not understand

Trying to be polite 

‘Right’

That takes a lot of energy 

And at the moment we crave an autumn breeze 

To lift and cleanse the air

To revivify us 

Sometimes I wish I had the luxury of selective deafness 

To block out the fears and unwanted chatter 

As it is I hear pins drop in the street across the way

It will take me a while to recover 

From the intrusion of space and mind 

I write down my thoughts 

Not so gibberish as before but still a muddle 

But at least on paper we can play

Work out the days

And our place in the world 

I take ten deep breaths 

Raise my head to the window 

Smile at her as her hair shines in the sun light

Wash yesterday off my skin 

With vanilla scented soap

I am learning how to soothe myself 

To reclaim what was lost 

Taken from us by carless minds 

Perhaps I am ready to speak up 

To rise from my apathy 

To speak mind and say what is good and bad for me 

Time is short after all 

And that autumn breeze will soon be along. 

For Shay's Word Garden 

Neighbour

It is hard to love my neighbour as myself 

He scares me

With his heavy footsteps 

And barking dogs

The noise makes my heart thrum 

Makes me feel unwelcome in my own home 

It is a disturbance I have to learn to live with 

To rationalise 

To think it is only noise

He cannot cross through my door

Which is heavy, locked and safe

I will not allow him to contaminate my home 

The place I have worked hard

To feel peaceful in 

The place where we have words and friends 

The place where people visit 

Smile and chat with a cup of warm tea

Perhaps it is best to conserve our love

To measure out how we will give it 

It is finite after all 

We have to protect ourselves

In these early days of recovery 

We feel steady but that line always lurks 

In the background, dark and heavy

Ready to topple us if we get unnerved 

If he becomes too much

If my thoughts become too much 

But we will not, we will not 

Fall again 

We deserve to enjoy our home 

To not let him scare us

To grow stronger with every day 

To lose ourselves in magical worlds 

Perhaps when we are braver 

I will not hear him anymore 

Will not let his violence cross our threshold 

If not love perhaps we can learn to understand

That not all people can be silent, respectful 

We are proud of who we are 

What we have created 

In time he will not scare us 

Not intrude upon our world 

Cast a black shadow over all that is good.