A Bientot

Dear All

Thank you for all you kindness and support these past years - personally and for my words..

I will keep you all with me as I venture out on this next stage of the journey..which unfortunately goes via a mental health unit in Milton Keynes..funny and unreal in many ways..but not fun..unfortunately..

I may not be able to blog but i shall be scribbling - thinking of survival guides..gentle encouragement..hopeful wishes..literary quizzes..Maori villages..brave words..gentle words..most importantly my friends..

Thank you Thank you

We will return..whisper Alice and J..

Until very soon

x

Shift

The shift is coming

My heart closes

Like an anchor

Around my words

Around my insides

The wolf

Is like a beam of light

Teeth shining

At the end

At the beginning

Tongue wet with spit

Ready to rip apart

The layers of our being

My being

Curious

How that has gone

My

Being

Swept away in the current

Not electric

BzzBzz

So gentle

Not water

ShhShh

So cool

Harsh

Pulse

Through head and veins

Blood

Red

Pulling me down

Pulling me down

Down

Down

Tree of cups

Bowl of flowers

Tea spoons on the window sill

I should not be here

It should not be going there

Home

Is lost

A luscious dream

Dead

Cold

Out of range

I wish for it

Have forgotten it -

So it can no longer be wished for

Be calm

Be still

I hold Alice

And whisper

Unsure

Unsteady

The shift is coming

My heart closes

Like an anchor

Around my words

Around my insides

We will endure

I tell her

We will endure.

House F

Indigo bruises line

My legs

My being

There is no place

Like home

I let her in

And the house betrayed me

Didn’t fall

Leave her feet pointing out

No song

No dance

One last hoorah

You cunt

Know the name

Of the person

You hang

Piss

Bite

Shit

On

Rainbows in the bin

Flowers in the sink

The nice lady held my head in her hands

As the lights shone

And the silver was stolen

I was stolen

I bind my feet seven times

Silky tape

Stuck stuck sticky

How my feet burn

Like the cup

Boiled water

Wooden spoon

Sink

There is no place safe

There is no place

Like

Home

I steal

To survive

Walk in rooms and steal

I have become the thief they made me

bad bad bad

It is the end

Of me

I will pay for my life in pencil shavings

It is only salt water dripping on the table

Not tears

Because I am gone

The noise cuts out as the choke sets in

A little anoxia before tea

A smile

A sip

How clever

How fucking clever

Am I

There is a banner and cake

Thirty years service

No one available for time

You know

You know

Kicked chair

Shower rail

I am going to the fuck house

The house of

No words

No mirrors

No dreams.

I have served thirty years

And more

But there is no finish

Will never be an end.

One last hoorah

You cunt

Know the name

The person

Know me.

Kiss

You kiss your fingers

And place them on my arm

You are all fools

To think

I would relinquish

My

Silver

One hour

And I find a way

I find a way

I always find a way

I am tired

Old

Hat

Unmoveable

The end of another book

In a room

Where I am hidden

In full view

Nothing can cut

Through me

Crush

Blaze

Torch

My being

I sit

In a room

Writing up a storm

Bleak

Nebulous

Crushing

As breath

Red

Name

Band

Red

Name

Band

Not my name

Not my hand

We are slip trip tripping through the minutes

Unreal

Real as burns

The pink skin made me softer

Made me softer

Just so you know

Alice knows

She strokes

The lumps and taut paper lines

She knows

I know

You kiss your fingers

And place them on my arm

You are all fools

To think I would relinquish

My

Silver.

All

I am not

Help

Less

I am not

Help

Able

I am

Everything

I need

The red patent shoes

Trample

Through the daisies and speedwells

Me and Alice have a plan

A plan

That breathes

Does not expire

We are vigilant

Of course

To Cheshire cats

Hatters

And Red Queen’s

But we will

Skip

Cry

Keep moving

Always moving

In our red patent shoes

This is no different to any other

Sore foot

Aching toe

Bloodied ballet shoe

Red knuckle

At sink

Acid

Breaking

Breath

Silver

Ripping

Soul

It is all new

It is all old

And we are

We are

That is the key

Not paper

Not magnet

Not metal or gold

We

Us

Are

Our breath

Our heart

Is the key

The key to who we are

I am not

Help

Less

I am not

Help

Able

I am

Everything

I need.

Vow

I hold the sun

In my mouth

Like a bomb

Not cherry

Crooked

Broken

Atoms

Unpopular

Rust

Terror

They wait

For me

To

Fall

To hang

From

Silver

To drown

In dust

To cave

In to the

Powder

I will

Of course

But after

After

They believe

I am fixed

Fixed

Fix

Fixer

Time and space

Bent in mirror

World

Not real

But painfully

So

I do not want this

This plan

They plot

Circling around

Me

Like wolves

Blood

Red

Red

Is everywhere

Every

Fucking

Where

But not mine

Mine

Me

My

Red

I vow inside a tiny droning chant

My word fists

Bullets

Ready

To aim

And shoot

No looking back

No remorse

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

My fight is silent

It does not hear

Or see

It is blind to right

Or wrong

It is what it must be

It is what it must be.

i must apologise for not returning comments or reading your posts as i normally do..j is in the midst of being transferred to an even scarier place than room 27..a place where Jae may be offline for some time..as i write i think of all your support and i can't imagine how the world will be without you ..thank you all..and i hope i hope that any time away is temporary and me and Alice come back to blogland with shiny red shoes and big old bouncy hair!

Ultimatum

I eat off the spoons

Of dead people

Sleep on the sheets

Of those who have bled

The food tastes of nothing

The sleep

The sleep

Is not real

Nothing

Every muscle aches from waiting

Ultimatum

Run or die

Run or die

They say the spoons and sheets

Are saving

Me

And yet

They do not know

Me

I destruct

Destroy

Decompensate

Quietly

So very quietly

In room 27

Thinking

But

Not

When you are nothing you cannot think

But it is the only thing left to do

The thoughts are discounted

On top

The lank hair

Of the man

Who does not feel

As he squints and watches

This thing

Die

In room 27

How clever you all are

Give yourself a round of applause

She is alive

On the outside

Like a carnival trick

I used to write like the mirror

I was not stuck within in it

Blood churns upwards

Into throat

Coming out

Burning

Red

In the bowl

Where ants and mayflies dance and gorge on my disappearance

Like you

You

Fuckers

Murderers

Rapists

Smiling as you drain me dry

Ultimatum

Always

Run or die

Run or die.  

Spit Up

I spit my teeth out

Into the dish

Red pulsing

A thousand lost pennies

A thousand lost dreams

Each swirl of spit

And red

A message

Count up the lines

Count down the time

It is coming

It is coming

The end

I nod on the seat

Powder tucked in the slats

Is it the wicker or my brain cells

That are tired

Fuzzy

All confused

Everybody

Lies

And

Cheats

The cigarette paper

Dressings

Wrapped up in truth

We are all spitting

Coughing

Up

Red

Blood

Time

Lost

We are coming

We are coming

To an end

So painfully slow

A mere slap

Over and over

Not a thunderous applause

We are lost

In the spit bowl

In the piss stained sofas

Blood stained floors

The ants in the kitchen

Pulsing

Like our

Teeth

Lost

Red

Spat up

Into the soupy dream

Of hell.

Repent

We wake up to

Fall

Asleep

Again

Same pattern

Same routine

I forget how to believe

I say to Alice as I hold her hand

It is cool

Nice against my purple fingers

Four months

In this mirror

Barely real

Barely anything

Morphed

So thick

I can’t swallow the bread

Like home

But not so much fun

How we did have fun

Me and Alice

On the floor

At the sink

Lost in our ears

Sounds

Voices

People

Who raised us

Never saw us

Never knew

The names

We made up

For ourselves

We remember them

Taste their words

What love they gave us

Held tight

Like a tribute

Keep pulling the tendon straight

Ready for the running day

Keep the food down

Head down

Thought down

Being down

Shh

Bare minimum

Like the hiss of the baby bird bush

There in the background like static

Hss

And here I am five years later

Three years back

Sobbing and contrite

Repentant

Never

We have no sin

But breath

We wake up to

Fall

Asleep

Again

We wake up to

Fall

Asleep

Again.