I walk home
A few hours after
I don’t know how but I must
It is in my shoe tucked under my socks
The ones with rainbows and stripes
They were shoved in the green bag with everything else
Except care
I try to get in the door but the lock is kicked
Speedy guy said
We have to keep the riff raff out
We are the riff raff I thought
Two years
Two jumps
Lots of powder
The police come more than the riff raff.
They stop me once at 1am
Then I go
Get in the bath
Pull the needle out
The blood flow warms the water
No stopping it with finger or thumb
I walk hop walk hop to the box of plasters
(there was a sticky snail this morning)
Of course nobody believes
The little purple holes in my arms
The drool on my hair
Just a push and a shove
You are nothing but shit a fucking stupid sack of shit
I ran no I ran
The dark didn’t scare
The man in the alley didn’t scare me
He called me love and asked if I was ok
Billy the Liar. Dead eyed Chrissy.
They know wild
They feel it
They are not fools who hold me down hold me back
They offer me a hand so I no longer have to fear it
The fury inside.
This conjures way more thoughts than I could (or would) ever post in a public place.
ReplyDeleteOften "wild" is just a chemical imbalance, easily cured but for our cultural insistence on talk therapy and religion, as if discussing our imaginary "issues" and performing mea culpas ever did a thing for dopamine and seratonin levels.
May all such wildness as you describe find a safe and sane way to be tamed.
You are right Ann..of course..I appreciate that you read..to find safety should be the only wild issue to pursue..Jae
ReplyDeletegreat imagery, especially the little purple holes and frool in the hair
ReplyDeletespring haiku and tanka
Jae, I am just going to say simply that this poem frightens me. I hope you are okay.
ReplyDeletesuch a gritty piece ... well done!
ReplyDeleteI don't like the hand that they offer. I'm afraid that it is only to comfort themselves and temporary in healing your pain. What is inside will always prevail and the hand that is offered won't be there then. There is no love there.
ReplyDeleteYou made me go dark with you. It's dirty and I don't want to be there.
In other words, you really sucked me in this time; I walked through the alley and into the house without a door. I want the holes to heal.
i see no institutional help, but of course that's the case. we pretend people with hardcore addictions are not us, that they don't count, that we can't really help them anyway so why think about it and care. the liars, the criminals, the addicts and even the violent are a part of our family. but they, we, have been cast out, so those on the inside can pretend all is well with the world, and their own internal worlds. incredible write, even if i am way off base in your theme, this is what i got.
ReplyDeleteYou wove it with absolute honesty and sincerity, this tapestry of words that makes me cry. I hope it is an elucidation of the past, or a statement about the ease with which one could lapse back. Like others, I hope you are safe, Precious Jae.
ReplyDeleteIf I were giving awards this piece would get one. I know you are read throughout the world but this description of life when combatting the pain is worth being seen by a very large audience. This is a stunning reminder that all is not right in the world for many of us. Keep safe.
ReplyDeletePowerful piece as always and a reminder of the pain so many of us suffer within the prisons of our own minds. Lots of love xx
ReplyDeleteSharp and chewy.
ReplyDeleteI shall return for more.
Dig through.
Rock on
Thank you all so very much for - reading - your kind and thoughtful words (yes, much more than an institution can offer)..I appreciate that you visit..and come back..it means a great deal..thankyouthankyou..
ReplyDeleteApologies for the group thank you and also if I don't get around to visiting your posts..for a while at least..j is quietly gathering her senses..
This is a very 'big' piece. Yes, it seems scary to me. I hope you are OK. Love you.
ReplyDeleteHaunting and scary. Funny how the girl trust people I would never dream of trusting. Everything seems turned on its head. But life is not always safe and rational..
ReplyDeleteThank you Annell..for the love also..
ReplyDeleteNo, it's certainly not Dandelion Girl..but the Queen of Hearts was no friend either .. ;)
Jae, just take care. Don't worry about visiting posts. The important thing is taking care of YOU. And when you post again I will return....
ReplyDeleteDear Jae~
ReplyDeleteJust read through comments and yours, "the Queen of Hearts was no friend either..." prompted me to realize this:
We must each be our own Queen of Hearts, own friend. We must become our own safe one, soother, protector, admirer, respecter. No one can rely on others for ultimate comfort and care. We find it in ourselves, gift it to ourselves. We do this for ourselves, one way or another.
Rest. Rebuild. Remember your own brilliance. Recommit to your own self. <3
Thank you Mary..I look forward to it..
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim..my friend..(encouraging me to be my own friend too!)
Jae, one step forward two steps backward. This is a heart breaking read because having lived with my partner who was a recovered addict I can say that I somehow understand you in small ways. There is no cure for what ails, apart from if you wish for it yourself. The demons will always haunt if you allow them too.
ReplyDeleteDarn, this was not what I was expecting to read at all but, a gripping read for all that. No the Queen was not a nice person at all.
Thank you Daydreamer..I think you understand many little things about me..for that thank you..and a warm cup of tea..
ReplyDelete