My shoes are wearing thin
I should go to the shoe shop
Find something new
But I can’t move
But if I can’t move
Why are there holes in my shoes
I close my eyes
It’s not dark enough
I close the curtains
Fucking light
Hand over stinking hand over face over mouth and I know I
will never make it to the shoe shop
I will never make it anywhere
Perhaps I do
Want a little fawning
A little pat on the head
A little well done you
Wishful thinking mixed with powder and dust and too much
light
Fucking light
I navigate the dead skin
smell lick taste
I am so close to it that it is unreal
Distant
I am distant
Cold
Words juggling cutting up my head
I have remorse
I have remorse
sorrysorrysorry
I am so sorry
That I have worn myself away
Worn everything away
Lost you
In the doors
In the toilet
In some basement with a couple of dogs and a running machine
And a gun
It was so gloriously dark there
A fine place to come to rest
Rest
That is what I’d like
I look at my shoes
The dark room is so perfectly light to see the holes
Right there
Worn down to the bottom
Worn down to the end.
OH! So many meanings hidden between your lines. Loved it...
ReplyDeleteWysteria
I'd say get some new shoes... you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteA lot happening here, as always.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe guilt and remorse are useful feelings. They carry a heavy element of ego, as if we should've been psychic, should've known then what we know now. We make the best choices we're capable of at the time we make them. We can (and should) do better in the future, but not in the past.
We complicate our lives unnecessarily. We grow dependent on things, emotions and ideas that contradict and keep us too busy shoring up our own illusions and deceptions to find the rest you speak of.
When we quit grinding ourselves down with the effort of pretending, quit apologizing for the truth as if it required self-flagellation and mea culpas, we find ourselves in a place where we can choose to move on. If we want to. Our choice. Our terms.
We can also buy new shoes.
Make yourself go and buy new shoes as a treat to yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou need to find the right balance between light and dark. We need some of both to keep it all balanced.
I wish it would get easier for you.
I too wonder why you have holes in your shoes if you're not going anywhere. Keep on keeping on Jae.
Well done, you. You've conveyed the frustration, temptation, guilt and remorse with uncanny accuracy. You've opened the blinds and let the light shine on what most never see, never understand. You've done this with brilliance and clarity. You've also shown how tiring this process is, how worn down one can become. Heavy-hearted.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to self reflect you conveyed this so well in this piece the remorse, the recriminations. Such beauty and pathos in this piece.
ReplyDeleteYou are getting so good at this. I love how you ramble and it comes home of its own. Wonderful. I feel connected.
ReplyDeleteJae,
ReplyDeleteI love how this poem meanders and weaves itself into a mysterious story deep with meaning. Felt like navigating through a stream that holds dark secrets.
luv: wishful thinking mixed with
ReplyDeletepowder and dust. p.
...
I adore this narrator, her honesty
and her uncertainity and the core
of her truth shinning through. S.
Thank you Wysteria..
ReplyDeleteSound advice..thank you Laurie..
It's the shoes you pick now that count..you provide me with much encouragement..as always..thank you Ann..
Thank you Daydreamer..a type of sleep walking..maybe?..
Thank you Kim..heavy heart..heavy feet..I guess..(it would be nice to have a day or two of not seeing..)
Thank you Sheilagh..
Thanks Christopher..your comment made me smile..if nothing else i can ramble with intent..
Thank you Marita..
Thank you Shauna..glad you can see her (she waves hi)
Jae
How ironic; you wear the shoes out trying to get out of the house to get them repaired. By the time you succeed, might as well buy new ones. As to yourself, consider it exercise.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your poems, I think I could read them fifty times and find something new I love each time. I could feel the darkness, both physical and emotional. And how much more terrible is the emotional darkness? I love the idea of the poem; the thought that sadness or depression can wear us down in physical ways when it doesn't seem as if we have physically moved. Beautifully written and beautiful idea.
ReplyDeleteIrony is a crapper isn't it Alice..thank you ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Tracy..
Jae
they say our shoes say so much about us... gloriously dark was such a keyhole into the deeper level for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ed..yes..I am flattered you saw it..though the glories of lint maybe softer (and more fun) Jae
ReplyDeleteHaunting. Well written!
ReplyDeleteThanks Hannah..
ReplyDelete