He puts on blue plastic gloves
Because I am toxic
Inside
Outside
To touch
I cannot put on gloves
But they touch me
Pull my collar
Drag my coat
I can not say
Stop
The gloves are real
The phone call made
The car door firmly shut
I lie on the floor
Sinking in my own toxicity
Dry and cold
Not like the spit that fell from my mouth
Or the tea that left me damp
Falling from my hand
Nobody held
My hand
Keeps
Me
Safe
I lie on the floor
Sinking in my own toxicity
The gloves would have gone in a yellow bag
My neck
The thing that holds me
Around my neck
Is red
Red
Red like the Queen
Who trembles at the thought of sugar and spice
And all things nice
I am not nice
Even when dusted in sugar
I cannot move
From the floor
But I hear her
I hold her in my hand
I smell of chemicals all mixed up
She pays no mind
Holds me
We whisper together
They say all is well when nothing is well
They say peace peace when there is no peace
And our truth tastes as good as sugar.
I like the hopeful ending, Jae... hope all is going well with you, my dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThere is no truth in drugs. All they do is numb it, make it so that there is no truth to be faced, no life to be dealt with, no fear to be felt.
ReplyDeleteJae, I wish I could hugs you. I wish i could tell you that you need to be your own best friend. Need to love yourself and allow yourself to breathe. Need to open your eyes and see that getting lost inside the powder isn't real and that reality still bites when the powder is gone.
I really do wish i could hug you and am sending you all sorts of love and light and healing. This is truly heart breaking to read but, I do admire you for speaking your truths.
You tell it with candor, sincerity, an openness of heart. I am glad the call was made. I wish the sugar and spice were not so attractive...
ReplyDelete(sorry for typo in prev)
The wrong seasoning ruins the dish, even though it might be the right spice elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteWhen the body's own chemicals are out of balance, it's natural (not wrong, not bad) to seek a chemical cure. Not just any jar from the spice rack will do, though. Sweetness can mask toxicity. It's easy to guess wrong.
Hopefully instead of useless cooking tips you'll get your seasonings adjusted properly this time. Then sweet and salty will taste correct, the world will right itself and all will be well after all.
this is such sad piece until the end when it gives hope.
ReplyDeleteps You are beautiful inside and out you just have to see that.
ReplyDeleteThank you Laurie..
ReplyDeleteThank you Daydreamer (you just did - hug me that is..)
Candid candy..thank you Kim..thank you..
Thank you Ann..it's best to stick to the easiest things..to start at least..cheerios and milk..then maybe toast..then maybe just the right topping..thank you..
Thank you Sheilagh..bit crispy around the edges mind ;)
Reading here and sending you love and light and supportive hugs. Remember that sugar and spice only fills one up temporarily. Please take care of yourself, as you are the most important person in your world.
ReplyDeleteGreat description, you are building quite a collection!
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling of toxicity more than I care to.
ReplyDeleteExcellent, Jae Rose
Regardless of what is cold and dry and dirty, I'm happy to see that you are not alone here.
ReplyDeleteI'm also lost in the thought that this is all so real and I too, want to smother you in love, but that is what makes you such a poet.
I like these:
ReplyDelete"He puts on blue plastic gloves
Because I am toxic"
"Sinking in my own toxicity"
Jae, one thing that always stands out for me is your use of color in poetry. Brings a texture, a shade of blue, a tinge of red...
ReplyDeleteBeing a "consumer" of Rx myself, I know this: It's not a matter of The Drugs vs. No Drugs. It's about taking the right meds, once the right regime is in place, AND talking with a therapist who "gets" you. Throwing drugs at anything will get one nowhere. It's talking about the reason WHY I needed them in the first place that started the real healing.
Here's to sugar and spice for you, always. And there is peace, but only when your mind is able to handle the silence, the meditative state. So complicated, but know I love you and so do loads of us who admire your candor and courage. Love, Amy
Really like the first lines.
ReplyDeleteThere's no safety in addiction.
This is very dark, but still in balance with the little speck of hope in the end.
I adore your sincerity.
This is by far my favorite from the poetry I've been reading this morning =)
Thank you all so much..I keep all your sugar in my hand...thankyouthankyou
ReplyDeleteand to Lilu..thanks for following..
I can relate to the feeling of trying to sugar coat a toxic center. Sometimes all it takes is that one hand that will hold ours despite the imagined toxicity. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteEveryone else who has commented seems to be in on something I don't know. I felt something different from this poem, a different picture if you will. I saw a man, or women in the first grips of deaths embrace. Still conscious, yet unable to move or talk. As if this person was hovering over their own body and watching what was happening.
ReplyDeleteGreat work.
A hand always helps Tracy..thank you..
ReplyDeleteThank you Della..and yes..