Abandon

Help me is stitched 

Into the seat of the babies pram

It is already too late I think

Maybe I got the words wrong

Like the faces in the windows

And the bugs falling off the walls

A name echoes through my veins

My flesh crawls

I can’t find it 

Pin it down

Scratch

Scratch

Scratch

It out

My fingertips are sticky

Like jam

She squeals

But not as tasty

How can emptiness weigh so much

A word echoes through my veins

Turns my blood to granite

Hammers my soul to rust

Let’s go out collecting

Her voice howls through me

To the place where I am sinking

My head hits the table

My hand slips the knot

It’s fun

Remember

Turning circles in the dust

I am tired Alice

Once there was a woman

Now there is a ghost

She holds my hand

And wipes my head

I know you are afraid

That’s why I am here silly

Your existence is a story

And I won’t leave until it’s done.

Translation

They are cutting down the trees again

Cuts turn into bruises

Bruises turn to lies

We inflict upon the world

A docile little whimper

Living on the edge of our mothers tongue

Red pen is shouting

Blue is telling tales

I go to the market

I go to the fair

I go to the milk shop

Leave silver strands of hair

Are you there

When the rain falls

The stones outside my window sing

Tired old boots

Resting in the hallway

Worn in

Worn out

Worn down

All the pretty has gone

It’s easy as falling out of bed 

Lost name

Lost place

Lost number

There was no one there

She was just a ghost

Now she is a woman

Needles

I shout

Red pen

In my sleep

Shh, coos Alice

You’ve got to pick your socks up and move on

We always get the words slightly wrong

You could walk down the aisle with pins 

Your mummy did 

Remember

I remember Alice

I live on the end of my mothers tongue.

Fragile

We hold the umbrella upside down

Catch the petals falling from the sky

She claps and giggles

Like she has never seen anything better

I watch her

Is she inside or out of me

For one uncut minute

I don’t worry which way round reality goes

We are making noise

We are catching petals in the afternoon sun

I whisper to the sky

Do not worry about the dirt

Gathering on the hem of her frayed blue dress

You can wish it away

Let her have 

One minute

One second 

Of being breathing hoping

Rabbit will come soon enough

Tick tock

Tick tock

All powder dreams

And sticky fingers

I wonder if you know 

I imagined every inch of you

From your tiny fingers

To your little nose

You were mine

My delicate dream

In a world where I never belonged

I perch you in the wardrobe 

Keep you by the bed

(Just in case)

Perhaps you will leave me

Or I will leave you

But let’s not think of that

Until

Until

Rabbit will come soon enough

Tick tock

Tick tock

Of course I will follow him

The yearning never stops 

The sky stops falling 

We lay the umbrella on the ground

Gather up the petals

Quick Alice

Swallow them down

She gulps and squeals

Petals taste like rainbows she says

Like god’s plan for us

Once I sailed down a river in an upside down umbrella

Then there was a shop

It really was most peculiar

Curious I say

And we giggle

Dizzy on nectar and pollen

Do you know I imagined every inch of you

My delicate little dream

My artificial flower

Tied in the rain

Fragilely holding onto that wooden post.

Evolution

I open my purse

And the powder falls out

Mummy has a secret little clown

We trip skip over the brick dust

Everybody has a secret she says

As if she knows

She knows

He knows

We all fall down

When the fun stops

Stop

But we can never stop 

Mummy said 

My breath lifts the sheets 

Rise and fall like waves

I could watch for hours

Content in the flow of myself

Fluid pushes fluid

Just so you know

And you know they make you drowsy

Smile

Yes

Just give me the fucking pills

Pink liquor soup and black out blinds

Everything evolves given time

We trip skip on the brick dust

We like the open window on the top floor

We could have caught the bus

Or rode the train

Instead we turn circles on our powder runs

The glass falls to the ground

We would have picked it up

Kept it in our pocket

Now we lick up what was spilled 

Everything evolves given time

Up or down

You really should choose

The man wears a pink ladybug watch 

Buys some cheese

Are we sober 

I ask as we stand in the queue

Of course silly

Sober as Hatter

Clever as the Cheshire Cat

She crunches the sugar

Spits in the mint 

I pour our julep 

Captive to the bed

In the afternoon sun

I raise a glass

To us dear Alice

To us.

Folly

She crunches sugar in the wardrobe at night

Crack track

There is no going back

The weevils ran over our toes

Filled the pies

Held our memories like angel bugs

Skittering through our dreams

Left a sticky little trail

Clues

Cues

As if any of this is science

Perhaps it is not sugar

More like stone

Little pebbles of remembrance

Wrestling us down to the dark

You know that mirror 

There is a fog on it

I am glad

I wouldn't want to see myself too brightly

No and my socks are dreadfully grey she moans

I am sure my mummy kept them white

Like Rabbit's tail

And Snowdrop

Where shall we go

I don't know

But we can go anywhere

I know

So why are we stuck

Now who's asking questions

Shh

I need to sleep

Ok

She carries on crunching

I curl my toes

Act quiet

She is just a child after all

My head is never empty

She swallows

Maybe that’s where you’re going wrong

If you think it’s not empty 

Then it will never be empty 

She is right of course

My saintly little angel

High up on the shelf

He said it would be folly Alice

To fix me

Maybe he was right

You can only fix yourself 

But it hurts

I lie still

She crunches 

Steady as the ticking clock

Waiting for me to cry.

High

There is a box for an ornate mirror 

Lying on the ground

He repairs watches

I lose time

You can be saved 

If that's what you want 

She wears six inch stilettos in the frost

Decisions decisions

A green sticker stuck to the curb 

A devious frown little clown

They measure the widths of me

But they can't size me up 

Do you enjoy being sutured

No

I stitch myself up

Black threads

Head threads

Dead threads

All of you running through me 

Like poison

A venom

With no antidote

Everybody grows old 

If not up

Except me

She whispers in the dark

I am the cherry on the powder cake

Yes my sweet you are

What would I say to you

What would you say to me

If any of this were real

More than a poisonous dream

I feel nothing

The same as you

The apple never falls far from the tree

Ooh apples she claps her hands in glee

How can you find what you want

If you don’t know what you want

She sighs

Why can’t you just stop thinking

Trip fall sink in 

Let the powder take you down

Nothing more than a sweet kiss

My love for you

Is more real

Than anything you will ever know

I turn in the sheets

In the stitches and threads

Stuck in the bed 

In my head

I know my sweet 

I know

Love is high apple pie in the sky hopes

Buried in the dust of another falling day.

Hang

I hang a prayer on the board 

Loosely

Knowing it won't come true

Upside down and broken 

I am falling down a hole I cannot name

There is no sound

As we stumble tumble down

Become the people who made us

Disgusting 

Depraved

Deluded

Perhaps I am a specimen

An ant turning circles in a glass

Desperate for air

Hoping for life

Drowning in the liquor

Yes I remember now

The bath

The stars

The water

I was scared

But I am not allowed to be scared

Turn your frown upside down little clown 

Fleece over the truth and hang with Alice

I am so tired

Pretending

I could burst

I would instill my child with roses

Instead she gave me dirt

There is no rabbit 

No watch

Though time passes 

Fuck how it passes 

Thick as skin

Another wound sealing us in

I think that we are screaming 

But glass emits no sound

I fill my dreams with paper prayers

Roses and light

Pins and stitches

Nothing comes right 

I will steal the pocket watch

Reset time 

I whisper gently to her from the floor

We need to begin again.

Fix

I have lost my words

They are in the fixing shop

Shot drop chop

Shop drop shot

This sickness runs through me

Like a word I cannot find or fix

The desire makes me shiver

When the clock turns twelve

And it is time

Always time

To wilt 

Like paper petals falling from a winter flower

It is funny how much devastation can be calculated into three precious hours

Once lost

Once forgotten

Just like my words in the fixing shop

This sickness runs through me

Like a word I cannot find or fix

Maybe I should make a sign

Alice does not live here anymore 

Signs don't keep me out

You know that silly bee

Signs let me in

Every shop window

Every closed door

You see the words

And the words make me

Easy peasy

Apple pie

The worst thing I burnt

Was my ticket out

Now I am 

If I am at all 

A cluster of dirty

Cherry knots

This sickness runs through me

Like a word I cannot find or fix

We will go back to the shop

Maybe there’s an answer there.