I miss yesterday. Any day is better than this day.
This moment will never happen again. It will never move forward. Or back.
I trawl the pavements for empty packets. As if somebody else’s trash dust is deadlier than mine. There is no end for people like me. We demise. We fall. We never recover. Heads so wet there are no memories of when. What was that question. That trouble. There is no recollection of why you are hunting for an end at all.
Not waving. Not drowning. People tired of watching you do neither. Calling out for something. Something you can’t put your finger on. Can’t name. The thing that holds you by the throat and then forces you to breathe. Cry silently. Hold your head. Just stop stop stop. It seems so simple. Somebody make me stop. All this waving. This drowning. It tires me out too. Behind the curtains. Over the noise of the TV. Such a simple request but when you lose the words, you lose the right to ask.
Morning comes. Always a surprise. It feels so unnecessary. So undeserved. So pitifully filthy. The next day should be the treasure. The opportunity. The thing you seek. But around my mouth is the trail of yesterdays hunt. Around my bed the filthy plastic. And tumbling from my throat are the words – I miss yesterday. Any day is better than this day.
mm achy
ReplyDeleteachy day..perfect word! Thanks Lucy..
ReplyDeleteWe always think our past is more beautiful then today. And when today is gone, we will look back at this day with a smile too. Enjoy it while it lasts. I hope today turns out lovely for you! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you WarmSunshine ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is not a gift to give, can not be given. Yesterday came, but it doesn't really care what you do with it, as you say, it comes again today. It's funny that you wrote about this, even as a prompt. I also wrote something similar to the prompt of "threshold." I was thinking we stand in "middle time" and we are asked to take a step, just one step. For if we don't we are left in the "past" time. I guess no one can change your mind, but you-- still I think we are lucky, we always have another chance, another day, what you find may be a surprise? I have also wondered in the depths, I hope the thing you seek is the way out, and maybe it is just that one more step? Life can be mysterious. I love you Jae.
ReplyDeleteThank you Annell..three little words that make today a gift..Jae ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't miss yesterday. I live in today and will make the most of tomorrow. Try it. Tigerbrite.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are going through a very tough time. I hope things get much better for you very soon, and I hope you begin to enjoy life again.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully expressed. I can think of a few yesterdays that I ache for that much. You remind me of the yesterdays that hold someone precious that was lost and can never be part of any tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSometimes days feel like you're trapped in the same cycle of pain and longing of the previous day-like you're trapped in some vicious washing machine cycle that never ends. But eventually, everything will be washed away, and these trials will leave you clean and new.
ReplyDeleteJae, no matter how bad today seems (and I've had some horrendous todays and yesterdays), there is a certain truth in the idea that tomorrow may be different, at least enough that your point of view is changed. The past, well, it can follow you around like a ball and chain... or a tapeworm. Today may suck, but that's when you can reach out to others who understand suckworthy days! Like moi! Love, Amy
ReplyDeletehttp://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/06/19/twofer-sun-scrib-3ww/
That's a good philosophy Tigerbrite..
ReplyDeleteThank you gsb3..
Thank you Nara..I guess it is a loss..a mourning for someone you once were..or hoped to be..
Thank you Abigail..all washing machine cycles come to an end you're absolutely right..and then you get to start afresh..
Bless you Amy..tapeworms.. insidious, silent little buggers..and writing reaches out..keeps you safe and together for a little while longer...
Jae
Of course I agree. How could I not.
ReplyDeleteIt is all one time really. You cannot separate the past, the present and the future - they are all linked, one with the other. Tomorrow is meaningless without today, which is the link to yesterday. It is all one long chain; take a link out and it becomes non-functional. We need every moment, of every day, to make sense of everything.
ReplyDeleteYou've captured the lamentations of many, Jae, with vivid images and emotion-filled, lacking-self-pity, phrases. Despite what feels like a long line of misery-same days, each fresh new dawn ushers in the potential for something different; and offers up more time in which to create, to write, to purge, to cleanse. And so we create, we write, we purge, we cleanse. You do that so well.
ReplyDeleteI sit, and ponder, Ms. Jarose,,,
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda..
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, we are in a swirl of time Altonian..always a spiral never a line..and spirals can be good..spiral staircases can be climbed up and down..
Thank you Kim..I like to think if I am writing I am not (in that moment at least) doing 'it'..haven't quite got that down perfectly..but the more time spent writing the less spent trawling for trash..
As do I Mr Glenn..
Thank you
Jae
There have been times in my life that I have felt exactly what you expressed. It is hard to leave the known pain for the unknown what of the future. It takes hope to open the eyes to a new day. It takes determination to actually make it better than the day before, seize the opportunity.
ReplyDeleteSound words..thank you 'grace'..Jae
ReplyDelete