She stirs the letters in the jar
Face a frown
Coming down
Trying to find patterns
An anatomy on file
My teeth chatter
Longing
Loss
Autumn and winter
Sneaking in the back door
Knocking around inside
Leaving outlines of bruises
Heaving and screeching
Like death on our back
It really is curious
How you have to sign a form to say
You no longer wish to be
I come to
On the kitchen floor
They signed me off a long time ago
She tips the jar
Turns the letters upside down
It’s perfectly silly
What more must you write
To say you have suffered enough
I trace the outline of my face
In the half light
Feel the distance between inside and out
It’s far from exceptional
Hints of time reloaded in skin
She nestles into me
Her body warm
Languid
Like honey dripping in my lap
We need more of this and less of that
She gathers the letters
Skipping like jelly beans in a butterfly net
I think the problem is you don’t want to die
But you have forgotten how to live
My teeth chatter
Winter blows through
Testing the candles
Defining the light.
"We need more of this and less of that" And so we do, but winter's chill sometimes gets in the way. "What more must you write
ReplyDeleteTo say you have suffered enough" This is also very true but writing sometimes sooths the wounds or at the very least - names them.
Thank you for your warm and insightful comment Linda - yes writing can be like summer to the soul
DeleteWhistles!!❤️💝This is absolutely incredible writing, Jae! I love how you compare the inner workings of the soul, and the constant changes that it goes through in contrast to the seasons of autumn and winter. Especially touched by these lines; " She tips the jar/Turns the letters upside down/It’s perfectly silly/What more must you write/To say you have suffered enough/I trace the outline of my face/In the half light/Feel the distance between inside and out." Sigh.. beautifully executed. Thank you so much for participating at Prompt Nights and for your constant love and support❤️💝
ReplyDeleteLots of love,
Sanaa
Thank you Sanaa and for another prompt to think about.. Yes.. Our lives and sleeves do seem to change with the weather... Oh for clement days and sunshine.. ☀️🌸☀️
Delete"I think the problem is you don’t want to die / But you have forgotten how to live" o my Jae, you've read my mind...sigh...
ReplyDeleteIt is a disconcerting state to be in isn't it - thank you for sharing Sumana and understanding.. I hope for all of us there will be a day when living feels just the right thing
DeleteI like how this feels like a "winter of the soul" with the muse being that reminder that while life may slow down, there is always warmth to be found if you know where to look.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the direction to that warmth Rommy - Alice may not be a ray of sunshine but she certainly casts a light in our pockets..thank you
DeleteThe last stanza says it all. In the end winter challenges us. We are the final light.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Martin
DeleteAlice is altogether too wise. As she is your alter ego you probably know that in winter you have to find warmth from somewhere or someone or even take a trip down under!
ReplyDeleteThank you Old Egg - from me and Alice - who is packing her bags.. i don't think she's been to the beach before.. you will have to take us for a picnic there
DeleteA poignant read... especially these lines
ReplyDeletetrace the outline of my face
In the half light
Feel the distance between inside and out... so stark. Great writing Jae.
This is a deep and reflective piece of writing. I like way it ends with "Defining the light."
ReplyDeleteThank you Khaya - much appreciated
DeleteI love that, too. The defining sentence.
DeleteThank you Sherry
DeleteWhat more must you write
ReplyDeleteTo say you have suffered enough
There comes a time in one's life that there seems a lot of barriers unwittingly brought about by one's own making. These are to be resolved by oneself with no outside help. Faced this dilemma before Jae!
Hank
Thank you Hank - and for showing the light on the other side.. i think you are right..some things can only be solved ourselves
DeleteStrong writing! (Poetically, even if the protagonist doesn't feel strong.) Wonderful closing lines in particular But then, there are many brilliant lines, phrases and images here. I like the dripping honey.
ReplyDeletePerhaps how to live can be learned. I think it is something that, for all of us, needs to be learnt, actually.
I think you are absolutely right Rosemary - and i think your gardens and cat are a good lesson for those of us who are finding our feet - thank you
DeleteOr re-learnt, actually, given some of us learn lessons of pain as children and have to find our way into the light over the years. Gardens and cats, Jae..........even if a stuffed cat, and a potted plant. Smiles.
DeleteLet's aim for all three - light, kitties and a lovely warm garden
Deletethe existential challenge is to know there is an end, to live with the uncertainty of how and when whilst "Skipping like jelly beans in a butterfly net" - sweet Alice knows "we need more of this and less of that ". your poems are like candles that help you see in the dark - keep lighting them!
ReplyDeleteThank you - what a wonderful comment and thought telltale
DeleteHaunting. It makes me think of those who are at the end of life having to sign a power of attorney so as not to be kept alive against their will. I have seen several relatives through hospice, and that is what your words bring to mind for me.
ReplyDeletehttp://peppersfetch.blogspot.com/2016/12/anything-for-you.html
Exactly that - except we are not at the end just yet.. I am sorry you have been there Thalia - thank you for your comment
DeleteYes, winter always blows through....testing the candles. We just have to find a way to keep them glowing though. Our survival, as individuals, and as nations depends on it! Have a good week, Jae!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary - yes we must always try and keep our little candle alight - hoping you have a good week also
DeleteI see you on the floor playing with your child, or maybe it's your own inner child. I like the intertwining of winter and death and I worry the floor is cold.
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking of how the floor feels Colleen - sometimes it is nice and cool..others cold
DeleteA form to un-exist you? Huh. I wouldn't sign one either!
ReplyDeletePoems are much better aren't they - glad we are in good company..thank you Magical
DeleteYou are so right Jae, we don't come with instructions....none of life does. And we do have to learn. Perhaps it is just too much, to expect of mere humans? Still....a beautiful write. Wonderland! "Butterflies sneaking in the back door"...words so much fun, letters and words skipping in the butterfly net. You are hot! Your words are perfect! Even when we don't know.
ReplyDeleteThank you Annell - I can always trust you will find butterflies xo
DeleteI think the problem is you don’t want to die
ReplyDeleteBut you have forgotten how to live
oh, those lines are riveting with truth for so many, though the winter wind blows one needs to still feel the gentle breeze of spring.
I say no not sign anything that makes you uncomfortable...
Thank you very much Truedessa - we look forward to that warm spring breeze and we will certainly keep our pencil hidden whenever that form is threatened
Delete"She tips the jar
ReplyDeleteTurns the letters upside down
It’s perfectly silly
What more must you write
To say you have suffered enough
I trace the outline of my face
In the half light
Feel the distance between inside and out"
Warm wishes dear Jae, your words entone so much truth. Sure the empathy helps, but the one who is hurting, remains the one who is hurting
I'm happy you dropped by my blog today
much love...
And I'm very happy you visited too - thank you very much Gillena - and for making the tt to be ok..for now
DeleteI feel the cold creepy in - despite the small comfort of candles.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to have taken a grip - thank you Kerry
DeleteThat closing with those two last lines... The struggle with forms (for real or as a metaphor) seems like the pain of fitting in, to feel the edges of the box cutting... thanks for Alice soothing you.
ReplyDeleteShe can be kind and soothing.. Thank you very much Bjorn
DeleteA mixture of melancholy and hopelessness tinged with a measure of hope.Just keep those flickering candles burning.
ReplyDeleteVisit Keith's Ramblings
We will try our very best.. Thank you Keith
DeleteI love the relief found in the last stanza. It's not an easy one, not even a complete one... But it's filled with the hope that keeps the soul going: tested candles tend to burn brighter.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful thought... Tested candles burning brighter..thank you so much for that Magaly
Delete"What more must you write to say you have suffered enough"..........a question that hurts, and is eminently reasonable.As always, Alice, who I believe is your deeper Knowing, knocks me out with the wisdom in "I think the problem is you don't want to die but have forgotten how to live." Hang in there, kiddo, after winter comes the spring, when everything turns towards renewal. We need you here.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sherry - so much - here we will be xo
DeleteAn extraordinary visual feast.
ReplyDeleteThank you Marilyn
DeleteHoly cow! I knew this "stuff" was in you. The topic, the theme,the story, and wrapping it up to clear and universal poetry understanding. I stress "universal i.e., experienced by all readers" without messin' with your style. This piece rates 5stars
ReplyDeleteThat's the Alice, Queen! Of the Rabbit Hole
above and below. :) :)
ZQ
Thank you so much ZQ - what a stupendous comment.. most of all the universal.. we have all fallen down the rabbit hole at some point haven't we.. it's good to know people have found their way out too
Delete"I think the problem is you don’t want to die
ReplyDeleteBut you have forgotten how to live"
and so we hesitate to sign and submit those ridiculous forms, and play with the jelly beans in the butterfly net--or in my case just sit here a little stunned. I've decided to stay alive until I get it right. This is a moving piece.
I think that is a wise thing - staying alive until you get it right - perhaps that's all we can do.. thank you Susan
DeleteAlways, there are lovely glimmers that peak through your words - so wonderful, they keep on coming.
ReplyDeleteThank you Wendy - i am glad there are glimmers..and the words still keep coming
DeleteI believe her words are both warmth and nurture. The distance between inside and out is always a winding path, full of curves, sunlight and shadow. We have to drag it along to the inside, then sit down and sort it all out, only to return outside. A moment by moment journey. I will not write you off...
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth - as always a comment that shines and thank you especially for not writing me off
DeleteStaying alive and living are supposed to be two entirely different things.That's what they say.I don't understand the difference. If they mean to live is engaging socially with folks,becoming part of a team... well frankly I would rather swim in the ocean in a lightning storm (no forms required:)
ReplyDelete.There are a lot of things I don't understand...things that everyone else just seems to know like how to live...I am always incredulous of people and their 'normal'behaviour...how they live makes me prefer to wear a hermit classification sign around my neck.
I am here still....you are here still...and all things considered I think it is rather miraculous. You get a lot more brownie points than I do because you have to endure real winters.I used to live in England when I was young. Dear God your lot has a really strong character surviving that climate ( and its not even as cold as the northern countries)
I think life is endurance testing to a large degree.One has to learn to survive treachery betrayals the awful truth about humanity hideous climate and develop strategies in whatever form it takes.It helps I think if you are naturally elsewhere in the head.Mine is a very intricate maze of escape tunnels:)Anyway what can I say...Cringe ...this post sounds like a terrrible Boz Scaggs no. You are too young to have even heard of him probably:)
Dear Rallentanda - thank you for your comforting words..yes who wants to be normal..perhaps being comfortable is a better preoccupation..but how hard it seems...i'm old but haven't heard of Boz Scaggs but will search him out.. thank you xo
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully sad Jae. Your words touch my heart. Behind the sadness i feel a great hope that life can get better, balanced, not devoid of suffering but including it's counterparts of joy and happiness. Life is a mix, like the letters in that jar. My hope for you is that you welcome it, and let life live you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful wishes Myrna - let life live you sounds like a very good thing..
DeleteThis is such a beautiful poem. Poignant and touching.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much Purba
DeleteSuch a moving piece...beautifully written...!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sreeja :)
Delete