Saturday, 16 July 2011
Screen Face
My eyes go wide. Do you see. The silent woman. On the screen. Hushing me. Don’t tell. Don’t tell. I go home. Sit in the bath. My chin on my knees. There is nobody to see. The skin hangs off. But doesn’t fall. Everywhere there are words. On the T-shirt. The man from the church. It starts with you. She really scared me. This really scares me. There is no one to tell. No T-shirt to wear. The woman stays here. In the corner of the room. All night. There is no plan B. I cut it out. From the paper I don’t read. Which tells me the day. Stick it in my book. The book with numbers. Numbers I collect. As if they will solidify my existence. Give me a grid reference upon which to hang myself. I went to the phone box. In the park. At lunch time. My work was impeccable. My lunch was me. I find red words again. In the morning killmethefacesaysdie It has rubbed onto my stomach. I go back to the cold bath. Try to wash it off. Rest my chin back on my knees. I am in a house so quiet the electricity makes more noise than me. It catches me. Captivates me. In a trance. I am gone. Do you see the silent woman. On the screen. I think it was me.
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Gritty and surreal, Jae. Worrisome.
ReplyDeleteThis is truly wonderfully written steam of consciousness. As Kim said, 'worrisome.'
ReplyDeleteYour fictional character is truly alone. Even the smallest items in her life achieve a magnificent proportion to trouble her, to influence her and to tempt her into a fateful decision. There is a tiny hope in all this and it is possibly the unread papers to reassure her that she still is. Her demons are close but they haven't conquered her. I truly hope they don't. If only she could write like you Jae perhaps she could work it out of her system. I have used magnificent once in this rant perhaps I could use stupendous this time to describe this read.
ReplyDeletealmost on the brink of madness and yet, in total control, because everything she does is in total control. almost as if she's afraid of letting go of the reins because... she can't control it all then and then something will bring about change and in her obsessive, comulsive control, she fears change because, she isn't in control of it... I'm probably totally wrong, too. Whichever it is, you are a fabulously expressive writer.
ReplyDeleteQuite surreal!
ReplyDeleteYou paint the picture of a very scared and lonely person... great images (as always).
ReplyDeleteThis is sad and scary for the one living it. Reminds me of someone suffering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else has said...truly surreal.
Excellent writing though!
Grit washes away..in a nice warm bath with bubbles..not a cold one..thank you Kim..
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting Mary..
Thank you OldEgg..stupendously..there is something to keep her going that's for sure..
I think your spot on daydreamer..thank you..
Thank you..J Cosmo..
Thanks (as always) Laurie..
Thank you Andy..probably is a touch of obsession..
Jae
What can I say? I am wondering whether your character will ever give herself a break; or whether you can find it in your heart to give her a break.
ReplyDeleteDear Jae Perhaps it is because of next week, and sometimes we are afraid of what is coming? It's going to be OK, and you need to tell her that is is going to be OK. You will not be alone, and everything is going to truly be OK. I love the very beginning words, speaking about your eyes, right away I want to know what it is your eyes see? And in one sentence, you speak of the silent woman, and then "on the screen." Right away, I thought of a "silent screen" star. I think this is interesting. You are using two sentences, and yet, I put them together.
ReplyDeleteYes, those church people can be scary, and that she comes home with you? I have a cricket in my kitchen who is very loud. Of course, he hides from me, I think he is scary, too. Do you have crickets in England? If you can find them, they always appear shame faced. Have you noticed that!
I like the idea of a collection of numbers, they are very solid, they don't change, which you can't always say about letters. For when you use them to create words, they often change their meaning.
Do you know the work of Jasper Johns? He often painted numbers, just numbers, beautifully, just as you write beautifully. I know your piece has many hidden meanings, and I wouldn't presume to know the meanings, again it is a bit like a fairy tale. Maybe it would be a good idea to illustrate the writings? And it would be fun, too. You know, it is said, when we "name" something it is no longer scary, and I think it is true when we make it visible. I hope if you have time, you will do this, there are so many things you talk about, I would love to "see." Maybe even collage? What is that silent woman wearing? And how does that church man look? In what way does she look like you?
So many questions. Like opening Pandora's box, full of mysteries.
We have Jiminy Crickets Annell.. ;) thank you for such a wonderful comment..I have heard of Jasper Johns I will find some of his images..I find numbers are like letters to me..they have a story..but maybe not a mathematical value..Yes, I will be ok this week..next week..whatever happens I will collect the paper everyday..maybe I could make a picture of what I cut out from them..or the dates..turn it into a picture of all the days done..Jae
ReplyDeleteMe too Altonian..thank you..Jae
ReplyDeleteI loved this line: "I am in a house so quiet the electricity makes more noise than me." You do such a brilliant job of showing the grasp of reality slipping away in details.
ReplyDelete"I am in a house so quiet the electricity makes more noise than me." Hmmm I mostly feels these sounds when no one is around me... :/
ReplyDeleteMadness incarnate in this one, I feel like rocking back and forth while reading it. A wonderful tale of woe and misery, just how I expect these to come. Another great offering, my dear!
ReplyDeleteThe new blog is up, by the by. leifgsnotae.com
"She really scared me. This really scares me. There is no one to tell."
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible place to arrive in. When she needs help the most, she has no one to pour her heart out to. Maybe, if there had been someone before, she would have never come to this.
Thank you Nara..
ReplyDeleteYes indeed, thank you Asma..
A-ha - a new site - shall look forward to perusing..thank you Leiffy..I've got the rocking back and forth covered.. ;)
Yes, Abigail..cutting through the woods to see the trees as ever..thank you..
Jae
The silence of a house can be deafening. You've pictured loneliness well here.
ReplyDeleteJae, it's me, Amy. Church people are even scarier when you are married to their pastor!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, your piece sounds as though the words in red have been carved, and since my daughter was a cutter for a while (she has gone back to just pulling out her hair, but she buzzes it).
My heart is filled for your character, who is someone I know and love very much, even from a great distance and across wires and wireless and Nets and all. My heart is filled with hope that she will never give up on telling it as it is - nor hope that her reality will change in positive, life-affirming ways.
Much love from your manic-depressive PTSD seasonally affected buddy who never forgets her meds, Amy
Thank you Christine..
ReplyDeleteA-ha - there's the trick Amy ;) taking your meds..not tripping on them..tripping up on them..do you think there is a woman like J in every shopping centre..baffled by the screen..unsure of the night before..sometimes you just have to disturb your body in order to see where you fit in..no cut, bruise or lost lock of hair is unnoticed..much love back from your bananas buddy Jae..
Such precise feeling here: a cacaphony of thought you can't stop; a terrifying ride you can't get off. Wow.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate..Jae
ReplyDeleteReminded me of a song way back in memory. "It's good to be insane... no one asks you to explain." Powerful scary write. Tigerbrite.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tigerbrite..sorry for late reply ;)
ReplyDeleteLoved the 'lonely person'.... I believe the word loneliness is a far inferior term... it sounds scary.. but 'solitude' is for those who know how to enjoy bein alone!!!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comment..thanks Medhini..Jae
ReplyDeleteYour writing is truly amazing, Jae Rose. Whew! Packs a wollop, in such an original voice. Keep writing! Please!
ReplyDelete