Stock

Let's take stock

Stir the soup

Climb the mountain

It's quiet up here

No roaring 

She giggles

Just so

She swings on the stars

Like playground bars

Look at me

I am peaking and troughing

I am below

Looking up madly

Scattered

Battered

Frayed and splattered

New lows expected at midday tomorrow 

She sings 

Beep beep beep

Four o’clock chimes

Its nocturnal omen

Over and over and over

We are all

Tricks and smiles

Coins and curtsies 

Prayers pinned on walls

Likely to fall

Colour hidden

Smiles forbidden

Look at me I am flying

She squeals

The stars bend and bough

Sugar drips down

I catch spider in my hand

Her legs are soft 

Her belly round

I wish we were a story 

She says

Coming down

With a frown

I drop the spoon in the sink

It clatters 

Batters

Rattles 

Hatter 

When I was little 

I was not afraid

I broke the spine

Stirred the soup

Climbed the mountain

Plugged the roars

Now I am old

Looking up madly

Scattered

Battered

Frayed and splattered.

Knot

I fumble the morning knot

Trying not to remember 

She unties her shoes

Drops down the shaft

Like a pilot she squeals 

Forget me

Forget me not

It’s all just a game 

Can’t you see

The liquid stands in the barrel

Stagnant

Useless

Stale

Like mummy’s old soup

And father’s roar

We stay still for a moment

Silent

Grey

No point dawdling

Busy busy 

Bustle bustle

Off with their head

I try a smile

She watches

They won’t come back silly

It’s a memory

No one returns

Unless you invite them

There is justice in her logic

Kindness in her heart

My fingers tremble 

Scratch and ache for more

Let’s eat jelly beans

And sit on our hands

I can’t claim a better plan

We sit tight

Fluctuating glances

Smiles

Frowns

Hums and songs

By the third hour we conjugate verbs

Reviens

Revient

Revenons

I guess we will in the end

She says

Return

I can’t remember what we were

But can’t dismiss her light

We quietly sigh

Look 

Our hands are turning purple 

Pansies

Poppies

Irises

Engage

Engages 

Engageons

We are bound together like flowers

Hardly angry

Hardly tired

I fumble the morning knot

Trying not to remember.

Harrow

The bag opens

Bye bye kitty she says 

Tying off her arm 

With the telephone cord

My hand goes purple

You have terrible veins 

That was the plan 

It was meant to be foolproof

Immaculate

Perfect

I tap the empty pen barrel 

Looking for words 

Lame

Useless

Dead 

Let's cure the elements

Dissect dolly

Lament

I

Meant

Too

Like I meant to be harrowed

We're like cockroaches she says

Crunching

Delicious ones

Coated in chocolate and cream

Pain is quick

I am an ache

I stay for ever and ever

No one knows Alice

What it's really like down here

Why should they

This is our world

Not theirs

She sits on the counter

Swings her feet

She’s not wearing shoes

That means we are staying in

Colour only counts 

When it resides in your soul

She says

Lucid

It hardly counts when it brushes paper

We bend truth like spoons 

Warm as treacle

Thick as porridge

Why do you turn everything into food

I just do

Silly

It fills a hole

The skin is broken

Bleeding

It is really no surprise that we need chemicals to feel

Shut down

Cut out

Ring ring

Dead phone

The bag opens

Bye bye kitty she says 

Tying off her arm 

With the telephone cord.

Sweet

Leave me in my sweet dark corner

It's not quick enough

Groans Alice

Grinding mistletoe with her teeth

It spills out her mouth

Bitter and green

I know

Make it quicker 

Jelly beans and apples bounce in our head

I hear them

Chink chink metal bed

The sheets bite

Pick and tear old wounds

Every nerve ending on fire

Impossible to change or heal

I roll over

All so much better

I think

Let's eat soup and glue

She squeals 

Too wired to sit still

It will make pretty music

Like a bullet clattering down our skeleton

Look I can open it with one hand

As if we haven't been doing this for thirty years 

Freckled bananas mashed in time

I give her the red ink

She writes our wish on a cheap hospital jotter 

Giggles like it’s the best gift ever

I smile

Little fingers wrapped around the pen

Have we sunk to a new low yet

She asks politely

I wait for the powder to kick in

Many times little one 

Many times

I think it’s time to leave

And presently too

We step over the rubbish 

Lie hand in hand on the floor

Is the moon rising or falling

We play with her bows

Digital blue

Electric white

We can’t keep weaving in and out

It really is quite peculiar and odd

Well look at us

Don’t we have sobriety in the bag

We look at each other and laugh 

She gives the nod 

I drop

We bathe in flowers and red the night

Stuck in our sweet dark corner.

Waste

The silver birch burns pretty 

Under the fat rain 

Drops 

Drop

Drop

The bells ring 

Heavy like clouds

A cold hand 

Brushed against our head

I sit in front of you

Whoever you are

I don't really care

Shh

Who

You

Enjoy 

Happy

New

Stop

Drop 

Roll

Why am I still here

You will paint it pretty

I will know the truth 

Better tastes bitter 

In the dark night bath

Aching sleepless sore 

With the word comes worry

And joy she trills

Jumping off the shelf

All better now

I poke my tongue out

Tie another bag

You are throwing away our holes

She pouts

I toss her some sweet sweet 

She guzzles it down

So much sweeter after the drought

She smacks her lips

Wipes her mouth

Love love she burps

I am your little handmaid

She trips skips falls over eager 

Maybe we will go bang in the night

Bump

Take a look silly

It will be a big bang

And we will explode 

Like fireworks mixed in sugar cream

She is pleased

That she has the final word

I 

Drop

Drop

Drop

Fall to the floor

In a silent kind of frenzy

Foot so tight

It curls under

So much better I think

How did I get here Alice

She is quiet

And it occurs to me

That I don't know who I am 

I sit in front of you

Whoever you are

I don't really care

You will paint it pretty

I will know the truth.

Colour

I make colour in the last remaining light

Green as holly

Red as night

Alice munches her sugar

Gasps on a tricky corner 

Angel gladly slaps her back

Brings up the dust

Do you remember last year

She asks

No 

I say

Not even stopping to pause

Days pass

Nights fall

No breaks in the loneliness

No gaps in the wall

Her fingers graze mine

She wants me

All of me

There is nothing left to share

I think

But hold her hand 

Her fingers are blue

Cold

I climb the tufts of her sleeve

Explore the bones in her wrist

She is delicate

Like a bird of bones

Memory sticks

Too wet to ignite

Let’s go out she pleads

Not yet

When

When I am ready

She sinks through the floor

Holds her head

I don’t like this

What

Being awake 

We need to be awake to open the door

She thinks

Her frown a ripple 

All at a loss

Figuring things out

So we wake up

Open the door

And leave

Well that’s easy as pie

Silly

She swings her legs 

Plays with the electric dial

As if I cannot see her

As if she is not real

I smile

Perhaps you can see in the twilight

We make colour in the last remaining light

Green as holly

Red as night.