I was fifteen and scared
I did not understand why my world was falling apart
No one came to me
Though they must have heard
And I locked my door
A small measure of safety in a dangerous world
The scream changed me
Changed my world into before and after
It was physical and mental
I was breaking down
Never to be the same again
I wish someone would have held me
Made the unhappiness stop
But they made their choices
And overlooked me
Now I try to make noise but find I am blocked
I yawn and stretch
Open my mouth but only air comes out
Alice giggles
She is always singing but I’ve never heard her scream
That is good
It must mean she is happy
I am glad I am no longer running
No longer screaming
I am glad I am in control of the doors
That I am safer, not at the mercy of other’s mistakes
But I cannot forgive and I cannot forget
To reach a place of such despair was terrifying
And I was good, I did not deserve to feel such pain
From now on I will try to scream with delight
Like riding a roller coaster or opening the window in a storm
Unlearn all the things that were instilled in me as a child
I do not want to remember the past
I do not want to give it the gift of my time and thoughts
Perhaps one day I will laugh just like Alice
I am glad we have each other
That we are both rescued from Wonderland
Beyond the grasp of uncaring hands.
I am glad you no longer have immediate cause to scream from fear! And I'm glad you are able to write about the whole issue so frankly and freely. And I'm glad of Alice's laughter, and that you are so far past the cruel past, and that you have gone from despair to finding delight. I am also glad you have, all this time, been able to make your experiences into beautiful, moving poetry which touches other hearts; it's a great gift to your readers.
ReplyDeleteTo reach a place of such despair was terrifying - such emotive description of the pain and loneliness of despair... and glad you were both rescued from Wonderland too....
ReplyDeleteYou are right...Don't give' the horror time 'any thought or time...DELETE...Don't let it touch you again. You are in now in charge of the' keep out' doors. Stay strong Jae, you should be proud of what you have achieved!
ReplyDeleteYour suffering was overlooked and now you are keeper of the doors … what you let in and out. How eloquently you write about prevailing over trauma.
ReplyDeleteLove the love in I am glad we have each other - There is so much hope in this now.
ReplyDeleteFourteen and fifteen were hard years for me too. I read this poem, remembering. What a long way from there to here, where we are the keeper of the doors, and our rooms are peaceful. You have made a brave journey, Jae. Bravo! And your poems are wonderful.
ReplyDelete"I wish someone would have held me, made the unhappiness stop" I am guessing my age is beyond yours and if I had been there I would have held you, tried to make it better. You are courageous, brave, honest and strong. Not to mention a great writer.
ReplyDeleteI so hope that this is just a work of fiction. But I suspect not. Love and caring from far, far away.
ReplyDeleteExcellent, emotional poem, Jae. There was one line that really stood out for me:
ReplyDelete"I am glad I am in control of the doors "