I look over the library railings
There is a leaflet
Less is more
Right in the spot where you would land
If you jumped
Though you might hit the pigeon wire
And be left dangling
In your filthy coat
The one you can’t wash that smell out of
Of room twenty three
Now they lock the toilets
You have to ask to piss
There are 1728000 seconds left
28800 minutes
480 hours
This week’s lesson
Numbers in a story
Of a story
Nothing really
One bowl of soup ordered
Going cold as the fire alarm rings
The second swallowed down
Past chapped fingers and splitting lips
Opposite tables of pretty children
Who won't haul their piss through twenty years
Thirty years
Who won't cry at the sound of keys
Or laughter
My toes throb and sob
Walking in this empty place
Full of useless noise
Foul faces
Evil hands
The tears come out
In front of the little girl
She hugs me
I feel small
Smaller than her
I cannot control this chaos
It is worse than the chaos I wrecked upon myself
I don’t want to leave the little girl here
And yet I know she will be ok
Better than me
I am not strong
I am empty
What I am looking for cannot be found
We all look into the camera
With blank open eyes
There is nothing
No lesson to be learnt
Just a future we don’t quite own.
My toes throb and sob
There are nineteen days left until I can rest
‘We all have an identity we cannot avoid it
It’s what’s left when you take everything else away’ - Diane Arbus
18 comments:
Counting the countdown with you, Jae. And I know you are ready to get on with the future, though we never can own the future...we just walk into it and see what we find. You said "I am not strong,' but I see strength in your words. Keep counting....
Powerful writing - as always!
Counting with you, Jae! We may not own the commonly agreed-upon version of reality, but we can own our own truth. That is both your present and your future.
Dear Jae,
And in each of those days, hours, minutes, you will learn a bit more, develop a dollop more strength, prepare for a future that will allow you to design it. This is exciting stuff!
By the way... what makes you think the little girl doesn't see your beauty, your strength? Bet she does!
Perhaps the saddest piece you have written... my toes sob for you... but you are right, "this too shall pass." And also true, we do not know what will come next. The future is a secret, tied in a tight bundle, waiting for us to arrive, some good, and some not so. Take the stairs, no jumping... even if you can see the spot where you might land. xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you Mary..it seems so long..more than ready to move on..
Thanks Flying Monkey..
Owning truth is so very important..even if hard..thank you for your insight (as ever) Ann..
Maybe so..thank you Kim..
I always take the stairs Annell..I hope it is a good secret..thank you
Jae
I saw the little girl as a reflection in the mirror. Those tears are washing away the past. As bad as room 23 was, it is the deterrent to never return. Be safe now little one, while I start shedding tears for all the wonderful words you have given us.
Taken on a much needed word trip :-) Thank you
I hope nothing is worse for you than Room 23. Leaving the worst behind is something to look forward to.
hauntingly beautiful. thanks for sharing.
I have not commented much lately, your grief has been beyond bearing; beyond sharing - but with Room 23 safely behind you, perhaps a new horizon will open up before you, and over that horizon, maybe an island of bliss. Watch out for it - it is surely there.
Thank you OldEgg..more of a deterrent than prison (I imagine)..
Thanks for flying Jae-Air Ben..
Me too Rallentanda..it is a room never to be re-visited..thank you..
Thanks PlayWrite..
Still a few more days before it is completely behind me..physically at least..thanks for your comment Altonian - it is always valued..
Jae
I feel like crying over your unhappiness. I so hope that someday you will be truly happy. And your poetry, as always, is deeply moving.
I can usually refill the glass, even keep it full. This time it is hard. Someone shared a bit of light with me when I was a child and love was often distant, they said, "What is deep inside of you is yours. These days will only make you stronger."
You do own your future and that part of you that is left when chaos has shattered the rest. If there is absolutely nothing else, hold on to the sound of laughter
It sounds like the end of room 23 is in sight! Thank God for that! Your words touch my heart, especially 'what I am looking for cannot be found.' I am betting you'll find something better than what you think you're looking for. God bless and keep you free.
Thank you Granny Smith..in a way writing makes me happy..that's a start at least..
I will trap it in a glass..thank you Archna..
I hope so..thank you Belva..wishes and the joy of a free 'pen' back to you..
Jae
I have been here many times, but I never know what so say.
Just visiting is enough thank you Tigerbrite..Jae
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