The skin around my neck pops like bubble wrap.
Little punctures. In time. In place.
The carnage marked out under my nails. Under my breath.
I sup it up
The knee jerks The barking The tics
All wrapping up the fury inside.
I bounce them off the bubble wrap of my skull.
Pop the criteria under my nails.
Fuck You.
My skin will tell you who I am. Where I belong.
It goes back to a time when there was no name for me
idonotbelongidonotbelong
I feel sick in the park.
The sky too bright. A body moving in the wrong place. The wrong time.
Noise accelerated. Place lost. Time forgotten.
I brush the rose. Her petals fall into my hand.
One by one. Markers of time.
Forty nine days in room twenty three.
I unwrap myself.
My neck
My time
My place
idonotbelongidonotbelong
All I need. All I am. Gathers under my nails.
I sup it up.
In the bathroom. Alone.
That is where I am.
Who I am.
Where I belong.
Little cherry pops of j oozing on my hands.
Wiped upon my lips.
I smile.
Fuck you.
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19 comments:
wow, just hold on..
Dear Jae~
The situation is alive in this piece. The challenge, the pain, the difficulty are palpable. Heartbreaking. Visceral. Illuminating.
I hope you can write it out.
pain oozes in every pore of this piece, you can feel it and you just want the person to hold tight and know there are people who do care.
I can only guess at what happened in your life to cause all of this pain and the emotional roller coaster ride you are on Jae. I just wish it was easier for you.
Life can be easy or, it can be hard but a lot of it depends on how we ourselves view it too. I see the comments you leave others we both read and I see the hope you leave in them, the belief, even faith in them that you feel. I wish you could turn it all around and direct it at yourself too, because every little piece of good advice you leave someone else, needs to be aimed at you too.
This is so raw, nerve damaging raw, it hurts the reader to know you are in such emotional turmoil.
It will get better but, sometimes we have to try to help push it in the right direction to steer it that way too and, I know you know all this. Hugs.
Thanks Glenn..holding on..
Thank you Kim..the anger monkeys took hold in this piece..sometimes you need to get rid of those f's..all the ones you hold back in the day..smiling..not believing..
Thank you Sheilagh..it is a bit oozy..
Thank you Daydreamer..your comments do indeed give me hope..maybe coming back and reading what others see is like a pause..a little reflection..a mirror? I wish the people involved in my 'care' could be so insightful..
Jae
This is a rough one. I get the pain and the anger in spades. Of course, in my bright little world, it would all turn out to be pimples.
Great use of three words. Please read my attempt.
Well this writing is quite cathartic. I think perhaps how lucky you are to be able to express yourself in this way as a means of coping. The reader on the other hand takes on all the hurt as you get rid of it...and I hurt so much for you.
WoW. Intense. Gripping.
Awesome how you put the words, feelings so succinctly.
Peace,
Siggi in Downeast Maine
Sometimes those who think they know the best for us are the ones most likely to not know and thereby cause the most trouble.
This is a very powerful piece.
Getting little glimpses of a pissed off Jae in this - maybe there needs to be more of the Fuck Yous! Whatever came before that brought you to this - seems to me anyone would be mad. Hugs - but I will put on boxing gloves if you want!
You really do not belong to room number twenty-three!! You need to be out there in the open under the bright blue sky in the rose garden bringing us the cheery hello and a sunny smile!! The puncture is deep and the carnage excessive, its time to jerk the chin upwards and look at all that has passed as a bad dream!!
Cheers Jae!!
That's a nice thought..thanks Alice..squeezing that pimple..eww.. ;)
Cathartic is one way to put it..thanks OldEgg..
Thanks Siggi..good to see you..
Perfectly put..thanks Ann..
Thanks Dee..pissed off to pi..a hug would be nicer..no boxing gloves required..
I don't think so Nanka but it's tricky getting out..if only it was a bad dream..thank you
Jae
Well Jae, I read it, tried to get it, got it and then let it go...yes, you did the right thing to let it go...
Jae, I wish you could get out too. You are such an insightful person. 49 days is a long time to be held captive. I agree with Daydreamer that you always leave such positive comments for others. All of us bloggers should storm the place and demand your release.
we are the ducks who visit your yard. we squeeze between the bars and step out with flat footed confidence, beaks brushing at crumbs of thoughts and imagery. a small flock of feathered otherness, all eyes and wonder. we feel safe in your company and fan our wings bringing you small wafts of distance. stories of migration, flowing water and trees. a small ecology of mind.
Thanks Ramesh..that is the best thing to do..
Thanks Mary..you already let me out a little..in my head anyway..it drowns out the girl below screaming 'help..they're killing me'..seems each woman in each room feels like they are being lost to this..a blogger raid would be good!
Your comment is poetry in itself..thank you Lucy..
Jae
Dearest Jae Perhaps it is the anger, that you struggle with. We know when "it is not fair." It is not what you deserve, and I think you do not give yourself what you deserve. Perhaps it is here, you will find yourself, who you really are. I am sending all my wishes for you. Stay strong, trust yourself.
Thank you Annell..I am certainly full to the brim with passive aggressive anger..grr..sorry.. Jae ;)
Very nicely written Jae..
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