There are twelve left
Jettisoned in the bush
The one with prickles that nips my fingers
I feel safe
Plunging my hand back into this world
Of powder loose and shaken
Hollowed out candy dispensers
Moisture on my fingers
I go to the library and wipe my hands
I walk past the children’s books
whatyouaredoingiswrongyoulittleshit
The voice drowns out of me
Disappears as soon as my fingers start moving quickly mopping up what I need from the toilet floor
That ringing urgency in my ears
The essence of who I am
The me that took hold in that first blue toilet
The one when there were sixty
In a little velvet bag and one small bottle
How long and how suddenly
How cleverly this powder has mobbed me
Taken me down
Given me an existence bare but comfortable
Comfortable as thorns
I nod and smile
Wear an apology I need not make
This is who I am
I hold my hands together to stop them twitching to stop them pointing to the place the one where no one looks
This is how it will always be
This is the behaviour of j
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23 comments:
Broke my heart, this one.
Sadness here, Jae.
Very touching, Jae.
Painful. I hope things are getting better, though.
Honey, we all have behavior that we need. Are who we are... maybe not who we want to be... but who we are. You are working on what you want right now... and maybe more later... or not, don't be so hard on yourself. We do what we can, learning to love ourselves a little more each day. Opening to the wonder of who we are, when we think we have peeled off the layers, we find, there are more... wonderful, wonder of "j." annell
Some very emotional content expressed here.
Be the same J, there are always critics. If we please them all, we won't be the same.
Thank you all..for sticking with J..much appreciated..Jae
J is working through it all. Processing, filtering, getting by as best she can and she will succeed because she has a best friend who wishes her to in every single way. J maybe her own worst enemy but, we are all that sometimes. Jae will show her how to do the right thing for her to allow her to go ahead with small steps that see her into the future.
I have faith in J and Jae.
What else is there...but love.
Powerful write once again.
We all seek that journey to find ourselves we stumble we falter but we continue. One day we realize we like who we are and that we can't let others define us but all this takes time and energy. Sometimes even after that there are days we don't recognize that but we soon pull ourselves up and go on.Wishing J energy and the peace and joy in herself she needs.
Here you have really let us into this j's world to witness the hurt, the pressure and the consequences of an action of so long ago. The writing is brilliant, the pain infinite but our love is embracing, uncritical and without end. She is winning through.
I had to come back and read this again, Jae. You are SO talented. You strike a chord with every piece; you conjure truth and emotion, hope and desire, regret and appreciation. You are a master. You are.
Jae, let us just BE.. in the Now.. good thing about past, it doesn't last..life is indeed beautiful.. in all its forms.. for it has a purpose .. purpose of evolving us into something better... God bless!!! Your write as always is amazing..
I'm new to your blog, your work, j. The power of your words and your skill with your craft hits me, as does the pain. i'll be back to read more.
Thank you DayDreamer..for being a friend of Jae..
Thank you Sheilagh..
Thank you OldEgg..albeit falteringly..
Thank you Kim..I hope to be..
Thank you Ramesh..I still remember your sunflower profile pic..it carries on in your comments..
Thank you Victoria - and for following..
Jae
Wow..this poem was very raw, and it takes courage to write like that!
Jae, like Kim I returned to read again! Your words are raw and strong. The behavior Of J might not always be what you would wish; but I might say the same about mine. Do know you have friends on your journey (and a cheering section just for you).
Powerful emotions displayed here. One can only read, wonder at the words, and wish J well.
You lead a brave life. Hang in there. It's worth it to those of us who watch but don't have to endure.
~Smiling at both J and Jae because...because I know sometimes a simple smile can lift a person's day from the deepest depths of despair so that they take the chance to peek away from the abyss and dare to look up and perhaps, see the sky.
I know the lure at the edge of the same bottomless abyss all too well.
Always, a friend. DD2
Wow - that is just amazing.
I hope things get better for you soon. Comfortable as thorns doesn't sound comfortable.
Thank you all..I apologise for the delayed thankyouthankyous..j is soaking up your encouragement and wishes..Jae :)
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