I think my pocket is ringing
Apart from that I am coping admirably
Silently
My little catastrophe bags kept safe under bushes
Under fences
I try to say
That the misery is killing me
They say be thankful
I touch my face
My fingers shake
I still stand
I still stand
In the bathroom afterwards
So everything is fine
I am always fine fuckingfine
The advert on the television flies
They think I am smiling
Because I am coping
Admirably
In every place there is a bench
In every place there is a new low
I plunge my hand in the bin
Fish out the box
The napkin a thin defence from the dog shit
The vomit around the rim of the cheap vodka bottles
Drained dry
Hollow
Like the men on the bench
All of us finding some comfort in hitting a new low
Not much more left to lose
Not much more
I am full to the head
How lucky I am how fucking lucky
It only took thirty years to become nothing
I am so clever so fucking clever
My legs hold me up but I am not standing
I will answer the call in my pocket.
I smile.
The answer always rests there.
Tissues. powder and white petals.
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16 comments:
Jae~
I always look forward to Wednesdays, happy to read your writing and to know you are working hard... perhaps the hardest work you'll ever do. I am your perpetual cheerleader. :-)
But even if 'they' don't know the truth... that you are not coping admirably, you do know the truth Jae, and you also know the answer doesn't lie from the call in your pocket, or in the powder.
The answer to some of your healing is in your own free will or wish to be healed. The only person that matters in any of this is you and, your truth and, if we can't be true to ourselves what is there left.
As Oscar Wilde once said: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
Lift your weary head Jae, and see that sky and those beautiful twinkling stars.
I wonder sometimes if those who would make us well only make us worse. We must be the agents of our own salvation.
Wow. I hope this is poetic license. The tale you tell is difficult and found in many lives, but I would hate to think of you in that spot. I have you in my heart in a nicer place than this.
from Shakespeare
Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
(To be oneself and understand oneself is the hardest thing to discover when others are trying to tell you who you are.)
Jae- Another powerful write... the only way from the bottom is up.
Brilliant writing Jae! x
Nice poem, many can relate to that. Cheers.
The important thing here is the other world your character has created to survive the surrounding horror. The tissue, the powder and the petals are the link with the real person. We all have these symbols of our individuality and must never relinquish them. I have mine too...you are not alone.
I have been in that place where I was told I was lucky but instead I was just pissed off because I couldn't see it. Sometimes the things we say to be helpful are more painful than just shutting up and squeezing a hand. Unfortunately I can't send a squeeze through the internets. Consider your self squoze..and accepted. Whatever you say or do.
Yes, Jae, answer that call in your pocket. And yes, the answer could very well rest there, and could possibly be good news. If not today, one of these days it will be.
I loved your write as always. The clock ticks, time crawls, all is loving and gentle.
The outcome is known. I think of you, I hold a place for you.
Sometimes I think we reach a "place" that we have prepared for, all out lives. This is one of these.
Stay strong, you can do this.
xoxoxoxoxo annell
Jaerose, my sublime flower poet friend - you go
deep, as the ocean. you are completely in your
head - gloriously so. and so strong to write
it all down - the feeling on running on empty
but running, thinking. and no you are not nothing but a surviving flower embracing her
weeds and making them beautiful.
Thank you all so much..for your hugs and acceptance..I appreciate hearing from you..a call I like to answer..I apologise if I can't get around to your own postings..thankyouthankyou..Jae
Jae its beautiful...
Thank you Medhini x
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