We make powder flowers
On the bathroom floor
She loves me
She loves me not
Blood cells move
Behind my eyes
The crackle of bandages
Lighting the night
Bigger than niggles
Less than woes
Like washing up bubbles
Soaked in jelly tots
The sun casts a shadow behind us
We are big and small
Light and dark
All at the same time
She squeals
I grimace
A shadow is proof of being
I do not want one
She chews her fingers
Fearful
If I go
She goes
Everything is strange
Nothing is right
What is your name she asks
I don’t have one
Everyone has a name silly
A-L-I-C-E
She wipes the letters on her lips
Like the sweetest candy
And the highest fix
A name is something to hang onto
Like the string
On a balloon
My ballon is red
See it flies above me in the night
It’s not real
None of this is real
I rub my skin
Sometimes I do not know the terror that engulfs me
All I know is that it will never leave
What a curious union
She giggles
Pretty when the lights are out
I can't disagree
She loves me
She loves me not
We make powder flowers
On the bathroom floor.
Alice is so happy keep that part of you alive.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sheilagh...I hope so
DeleteA name is something to hang onto
ReplyDeleteLike the string
On a balloon
My ballon is red
For some reason these lines struck me the most. Some say what's in a name? But I believe that our name is what distinguishes us from among the rest. And when two names become bound together for eternity; there is bound to be some magic. Beautifully penned :D
Lots of love,
Sanaa
Thank you Sanaa - for me your name is a smile and the unmistakable :D and your picture..I think..j and Jae have yet to find their expression..thank you
DeleteTerror and being is a curious union, indeed, yet it is more often the reality than not these days. I think of refugees and those trapped in war zones and want to divorce terror and living so living can remarry to hope. It feels impossible, and there is no where to hide. And here, you show that existence inside one person, show the confusion and one means of survival through the strength of your images. I found this one particularly moving:
ReplyDelete"A shadow is proof of being
I do not want one"
WOW.
Thank you Susan - it never feels justified having a war zone in your head and tiny being but existence can be - I appreciate your understanding - and sorry I think I've missed a couple of your poems whilst hiding in the bunker
DeleteActually, I've been on retreat and not here very much at all.
DeleteAhh retreat sounds good
DeleteIt sounds like a hard week, my friend. I was glad to see that red balloon of hope up above. I echo Sheilagh. I'm glad Alice is there. And we are all here, too, rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sherry - sometimes the hard years all catch up with you in the space of a day (which becomes a year)..I am sure you know..I am very glad you are all there..thank you xo
DeleteI always chuckle when I hear that expression
Delete" rooting for you" Rooting means fucking in OZ lingo. Although I suppose that activity could take place, in the spirit of support for you, Jae. ROFL
Your pain is palpable. What is needed here is a complete change and turn about of everything and it is not going to come from the medical professionals because they lack insight and spirituality.I know you think it is impossible to do it and maybe it is..but you must keep on fighting and planning somehow to change things for the better for yourself, step by step. I am constantly doing this...even though my chances are slim...at least if you keep trying you have some control over your existence. If I can do it you can do it. You are much stronger than I am...I know this because I know i could never have survived the room 106 (or whatever it was) or the hospital incarcerations.So I reckon you have a good chance. Go for it.
DeleteSometimes a good rooting is helpful - and if it's in the name of lost souls...knock yourself out - thank you for your comment as well Rallentanda..and you are right..on so many things. I am not sure if surviving hospital is strong or weak..you basically roll over and have to forget who you are..and i still hang onto the system that put me there - and fucked me over - sigh...i hope to have the courage to follow your lead..even slim chances are better than none..thank you and thank you Rall :)
Delete"A name is something to hang onto
ReplyDeleteLike the string
On a balloon"
Love that.
Thank you Mama Zen..lets hope it flies for some time yet
Delete"We are big and small
ReplyDeleteLight and dark
All at the same time"...a curious union of the black and white, that's what we are...
Yes..if we are brave enough to admit - much appreciated Sumana thank you
DeleteYou got me going to Jefferson Airplane for this poem Jae
ReplyDelete"One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all"
Thank you Leslie - haven't heard the song but will seek it out - found a book called 'one pill makes you smaller' by Lisa Dierbeck with an Alice (of course) she gets around..unlike me! Thank you
DeleteThat's one of my favorite Jefferson Airplane songs.
DeleteOh how we little girls love to play wedding. It doesn't turn out exactly how we expect it to, does it? :)
ReplyDeleteLove these:
"Blood cells move
Behind my eyes"
"We are big and small"
"It’s not real
None of this is real
I rub my skin"
Thank you Em - I played Cowboys (on my own..Alice wasn't there then..) was rather partial to a pop gun or two...I think they could make a wedding turn out pretty interesting
DeleteShe loves you. I know she does. You know she does.
ReplyDeleteMy 3WW tale!
Thank you Keith - someone has to ;) I think I know
DeleteBy the way, sorry I sent to to London with my original incorrect link!
DeleteI enjoyed the detour - the colours cheered me up thank you
DeleteWonderful! And these words are brilliant - She wipes the letters on her lips Like the sweetest candy And the highest fix
ReplyDeleteThank you Danny - good to see you back on the circuit
DeleteI see a contemplative Alice making powder flowers. Poor little imaginary friend.
ReplyDeleteShe should be out playing in real flowers..thank you Alice....I will leave her be when I sleep at least
DeleteJae,
ReplyDeleteI was struck by a sadness in this poem. Loves me, loves me not..A game of chance especially when fear seems to be taking control..Stay safe.
Eileen
Thank you Eileen - yes the sad has come to stay..i guess like all visitors it will move on..thank you
DeleteHow graphically you paint the scene Jae. I am sure we all have an alter ego like Alice. They can be ourselves from an innocent past or the future us of who we would like to be free from life's turmoil. Very effective writing one again.
ReplyDeleteI like that idea thank you Old Egg - particularly the future version
DeleteA wee bit chilling as I read it, Jae Rose. So easy to live in illusion and to search for love in all the wrong places. (pardon the cliche)
ReplyDeleteNot a cliche at all - the truth - which is always worth being reminded of. Thank you Victoria
DeleteI simply loved these lines
ReplyDelete"A name is something to hang onto
Like the string
On a balloon"
You always thinks diffrent and uses some unusual wordings that bring charm to your verse.
Be positive...definitely she loves you!
Thank you PT - especially for the last line
DeleteAs always you have done it again! All twisted, and tangled, and all so clear. The flowers in your garden are already coming up....it must be spring!
ReplyDeleteSpring has sprung on the bathroom floor! Thank you for seeing and bringing light Annell...as always xo
DeleteAnything bigger than niggles and less than woes receives my affirmation and affection!
ReplyDeleteWe very much appreciate both - thank you Magical
DeleteErgo - I think I am says Descartes. But someone here does not want a shadow, does not want to be. How sad. How wise is Alice. Who known so much about names and balloons.
ReplyDeleteWedded or juxtaposed. This is quite an interesting and thought provoking poem
Much love...
Thank you Gillena - je pense donc je suis...yes and thinking can be the very undoing of that ;)
DeleteThe light-hearted feel of this contains within it a kind of creepy element! Very good!
ReplyDeleteCreepy is certainly one way of describing us - thank you Carol
Delete'We are big and small
ReplyDeleteLight and dark
All at the same time' ~ so true, good to see it, esp. as the flowers started to show up at your home... Hugs!
We hope we find flowers...thank you kindly humbird..and for the hug..please accept one in return
DeleteAn indissoluble union, then? But not, I trust, to be dissolved with too many pills, which would be a bit drastic. It seems you so often achieve harmonious co-existence; surely that is a good thing? And yes, love for each other; why not?
ReplyDeleteI suppose it is indissoluble Rosemary - even when we are ready to move on - which is the great thing about imaginary things i suppose..and yes..usually a good thing - thank you kindly - and love your new smiling profile photo :)
DeleteThis is the antidote to all the pink and rosy stuff on Valentine's Day. A tribute to the real lives we have to lead and the difficulties in maintaining relationships. Powder flowers on the bathroom floor lured me in!
ReplyDeleteThank you Georgina - yes i think the truth can often be found on the bathroom floor not the rosy stuff on the Valentine's shelf..but good to only play powder flowers..
DeleteYour magic with words and the kind of pictures you create lives on Jae.. Missed reading your fabulous poetry.. God bless!!!
ReplyDeleteRS:)
Thank you Ramesh - good to see you back - and love the photo :) Hope to visit your place soon thank you!
DeleteLike Alice we all have our powder flowers to resort to when the hurt is just to much to bear... Made me sad, this poem. To think that someone could be wed to such pain for a such a long time. Even powder flowers won;t make it go away.
ReplyDeleteAnd therein lies the trap which leads to sadness..thank you for your insightful comment Nicholas
Delete