I have been waiting in the corner of other people’s lives. Quietly waiting, watching, not being. Ten years. Twenty years. And I have all but disappeared. It is strange. I never thought I would be the one who was left behind. But here I am. Walking in circles. Driving myself crazy. Screaming inside. What about me? I may have been good for nothing but I was always there. I never questioned. I never said no. Now I need you all so much. But there are new lives to be had. Better lives. And I am stuck like mud.
I tried to find a voice. But it was all wrong. It whined and moaned. It was pathetic. Nothing but a child’s voice. It made me feel such shame. For a while the kernel of misery inside me came out in tears and shouts. But it gets tiring. It gets old. Nobody wants to hear. They are all busy moving. Living. You were nice when you didn’t say anything. We liked you then.
The silence is different now. Nobody quite trusts it any more.
It’s funny how you can lose everything and still fear change. But losing everything means losing hope. It’s not an abrupt removal of all things goods. It’s the slow drip, drip of becoming less and less. You are no longer even an invisible presence in the corner. You’re not a fucking nuisance. You’re just dead weight. A grey shadow casting a net around the people trying to escape.
At first you wield the knife and try to get out too. Then it drops limp from your hand. Rusts in the puddle of apathy at your feet. It’s amazing how your body can keep breathing when there is no desire to be.
But there’s always something. The peaceful slide into night. Lying curled up in bed saying goodnight to my family of stuffed toys and dead pets. God protect us and keep us safe. It trips off my tongue in a voice loud and clear. There is always someone in the corner. Quiet. Watching me. Keeping me safe.
Amazing, you always have such great intensity that makes my blood flow! I love this piece, very raw and emotional but ends somewhat peacefully even if there is no real peace. Thanks for sharing this offering!
ReplyDeleteThanks Leiffy..off to read your offering now..Jae
ReplyDeleteYour writing is always intense and heart-felt and I do like the way you use such short sentences to get from point A to point B, like a rock rolling downhill, picking up speed.
ReplyDeleteJae, this is brilliant! Emotive, compelling, touching and basically just excellent! I really am a fan of your writing. :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't hear your silence. I hear a very strong voice. In the corner? Ok, whatever,,but you are heard.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line is "Rusts in the puddle of apathy at your feet." Such an emotional piece!
ReplyDeleteVery well written..
ReplyDeletea good read...thanks... :)
Just brilliant, you have a real talent ... and like Susannah I too am definitely a fan of your writing!! :o)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much to all..Jae
ReplyDeleteSuch a strong and stirring emotional piece. Very nice use of the prompts.
ReplyDeletesometimes you write my mind...I love that there is an acceptance and a little hope at the end, like no matter what there is the possibility of tomorrow being different it we can just get there.
ReplyDeleteThis si too good, intense writing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dee and Shail..Jae
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful that I visited Gilnoz today and decided to visit one of the readers. I truly enjoyed the read and, for a beat, thought I had found a kindred spirit.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dana..Jae :)
ReplyDelete'It’s amazing how your body can keep breathing when there is no desire to be' ... decades ago, I lived that, knew it.
ReplyDelete