This is a letter to you.
To you. The person I have hurt so much. The person who I expect to fill their pockets and shoes with my unhappiness and confusion. The person I always expect to be there. After. Before. In the midst of my fury. Sorry is not enough.
I pick up the messages. Days later. Weeks later. I can hear it in your voice. The fear underneath the strength. It is so confusing how we reached this place. Almost too big to understand and I am frightened of weaving the spiders web. Connecting what's inside to the outside. The me you have to carry.
Sorry can never be a big enough word. It is not even the right word any more. The right words are 'yes'. ' I will'. 'I want to'. ' I can.' I hope they are coming. I hope that when they arrive I fully believe in them and inhabit them until there is no other way of being. That we will move forward and away from this. Delete those messages and never hear them spoken again.
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And this is a letter to you. The person who has hurt me so much. Who never sees me. Touches me. Acknowledges the pain inside me. The pain on me. You are the one who has to read these words. These stories I have been collecting. The unhappiness. The anger within each syllable is aimed at you. Not in malice or anger but in love and betrayal. I loved you and you never loved me back. It makes me angry that I can't hate you and forget you. Move on as you have done. Forget. Forget. Repress. Deny. Abolish. But I am not as cold as that. Not like you. It is that warmth which makes me special. It is such a loss you fail to see what I have given you.
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And a ps to my SS friends - I am sorry if I can't reciprocate and read your entries as quickly as I might. I am still euphemisitcally in the 'teach hut' and only have 20 mins of PC time a day..home on Tuesday though..thanks for your visits.. Jae
I can feel the pain, anger, and confusion in your 'letters', Jae. Sometimes the word sorry just doesn't cover it.
ReplyDeleteYou sometimes have to make the truth known if only for you.I have gone for L for lunch, loneliness and absent love. The lonely wear masks
ReplyDeleteSo many emotions her. Quite a letter!
ReplyDeleteDon't know you but think I would love you if I met you - your writing astonishes me. I read it and feel it scrape nerves I didn't even know I had and sooth hidden wounds. Hugs and don't worry about us SS friends - come back when you can. We will be here.
ReplyDeleteYou tell 'em Jae. They deserved that , whoever they be. I love the way you write.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it you write such deep and sad pieces? It hurts to think that in your writing you reveal part of yourself that mirrors the pain that just keeps bubbling to the surface. Of course your readers will hope that it is all observation and creativeness but still that thought lingers that your experiences are on show.
ReplyDeleteA really biting observation of life.
Thank you all..Jae
ReplyDeleteThat was a great peice. It resonated with me completely. Almost mad me cry! keep writing it out.
ReplyDeleteYour second letter really spoke to me... so well written and I could feel the hurt in your words... :(
ReplyDeletewhy would you want to hurt yourself more by letting him/her know that he/she holds the power to hurt you!
ReplyDeletehugs!
Letting You Know Through Letters http://nblo.gs/6qiLc