Superhero

The sign by the side of the road says 'tiredness kills take a break.' I smile to myself. It sometimes feels as if the story is written around me. My head is so heavy that my chin keeps dropping to my chest. It has been such a long time since I have rested. The steady spin of the tyres lulls me into a half-sleep. I like the feeling of moving. It is not like being trapped in that bed. I felt so alone there. So dead. My head saw pictures. Whirling purple faces. Like a painting by Vincent. I remember my eyes were like lead weights impossible to keep open. The sleep was so thick I thought I was gone for hours. At some point my brain worked out I had only been gone for a minute at a time. But each minute felt like an hour. I knew from looking at the clock on the wall. It was the same standard-issue government clock that had been in my school - except there I wanted time to stand still. Back in that bed of traps the minutes even seemed to go backwards. Like I had to suffer them over and over again.

I lost almost two days like that. When I awoke I saw their looks. Disdain. Revulsion. You filthy girl. Lying on the pavement. Words scrawled on you. You are nothing. Nothing. I shook. My god what have I done. What happened to that little girl with the exercise books covered in rainbows and clouds. I couldn't hold the cup they placed in front of me. I couldn't reach for my things. I couldn't prove who I was. For two days I was the story they wrote for me.

I know I am more than the story. Somwhere in there is the light that brought me this far. I can be superman and wipe away the dust. Spark up the flame. Some moments I believe that. I did on the day I drove away. But then there are so many things I forget. The sign posts are cryptic. They give clues but they do not tell the whole story. How I crossed the road. How I took the pen in my hands and wrote upon myself. Some kind of prayer. Some kind of curse.

I look down at my dirty hands on the wheel. The dried blood. I am glad I had the courage to stop it. To see him one last time. Perhaps now I can close my eyes.