Three hours
I must be brisk
I must detach my head and forget that I am home
I am home I am home
But I m not allowed to stay
To curl under the red blanket
To feel warm
To feel who I am
The shape of j
Where is j
She can’t even hide any more
Like when misery was a game
Chasing black flowers
Counting stones
Levelling off powder
being j being j
I keep the name label in the empty tub
I will fill the tub again some how
I will cut away the name
Like I cut away the tag
Just another date
Another time
Another dose of nothing
For one moment I was
Now I am nothing
Filthy
Itching
Losing
Always fucking losing
When there is nothing left but loss
I leave Alice
sleeping in the soft red
Her little shoes beside her bed
Her little head full of my dreams
Keeping them safe
Keeping them safe for me
She knows me
She knows me
And so I love her tenderly
The only dream I keep
Is her
Where I tumble home
And hold her tight.
Home for just a little while is a hard, sad state. I NEED home and routine and my own brand of quiet. When I get too little of those necessities, I have a hard time finding my footing. I suspect this is much the same for you. This piece wrenches the heart because there is no light of hope. I want, for you, a little light. A lightness of being. Just being. Comfortably.
ReplyDeleteAlice is not unknown for putting on her little red shoes and taking a walk just when you need her. In the end there is only warrior jae of the big hair and fighting spirit striding out amongst the frey ducking boulders (just think of it as exercise:)
ReplyDeleteHome again and yet you are on guard. Ever watchful, never relaxing. Interesting reading the comments, I always thought Alice was a child.
ReplyDeleteYes Kim..home is where you can be..not just be..the special kind of being..thank you..
ReplyDeleteThank you Rallentanda..j can be speedy when time counts..and Alice calls..relentless even.. ;)
I think she is a child dandelion girl...maybe she keeps that alive in us..thank you..
Agreeing with Kim, I wish you could somehow find some lightness of being, even just for a little while.
ReplyDeleteShe knows me
ReplyDeleteShe knows me
And so I love her tenderly
The only dream I keep
Is her
Where I tumble home
And hold her tight.
Jae, good to see you back, writing fantastic lines. Small glint of hope here, so small--know that I am rooting for you to keep holding tight.
Just another date
ReplyDeleteAnother time
Another dose of nothing
For one moment I was
Now I am nothing
... this just breaks my heart. It sounds like a very meaningful date (perhaps recovery?)... some never have that chance again. Glad you're back.
This is so heartbreaking Jae. sometimes when you write these poems I just want to hug you and tell you it will all be okay.Know that you have a friend even if we've never met in person.
ReplyDeleteSo real and so heartfelt that it leaves me at a loss for words, buy my heart understands.
ReplyDeleteThank God for Alice. You keep her close, my girl - she won't let you down.
ReplyDeleteJae, I am glad you see you at home, if even for a little while. I had been keeping the light on for you. Remember, you are something. Remember you are someone. I will always await your return.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a poignant post Jae. The scene was so clear, so you must find your way back there safely. You have so many friends around the world willing it to happen. The writing was fantastic with the repetitive elements enhancing the work.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. You are a lot more than nothing, and your dreams are safe with all of us. The world is your home.
ReplyDeletethank you so much to all of you..you make this blog space my other home..your kindness another Alice.. thankyouthankyou..j
ReplyDeleteWhat good is home if you can not be you in it? Maybe home is really in Alice's head.
ReplyDeleteI read a woman [a little girl inside] valiantly holding on
ReplyDeleteto who she may be or is truly.
That's a good point Alice..the other Alice's head is a false home..perhaps..
ReplyDeletethank you Shauna..both would feel nice ;)
Jae, even though it does not seem so, all is perfect or at least it seems so for me. When I am "there" it doesn't seem so, but when I look back I see. (You know they say, "hindsight" is perfect.) I have my fingers crossed for you honey. Keep Alice close, she will take care of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Annell..holding her and your wishes very close x
ReplyDelete